The Hokey Pokey...what if that really IS what its all about?

inspiration

2010-06-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have been asked by 2 friends to help with their baby nursery designs this week. I have painted at a friends house in her entryway. I have painted my own baby's room and am helping make decisions on Amy's. The paint ideas are flying all over the place! It's been so long since I was able to paint that I am overloaded with things I want to do! I've been playing with some ideas to change up my bedroom and living room, but haven't decided for sure what I want. I was scouring the internet today and found some things I really want to play with! Here's the best of what I looked at.

This one was done with paper in a guest room, but I like the idea of doing it with paint. Maybe in one color but different values on an accent wall. It could be VERY cool!

This diamond design was acutally on Home Depot's site. I love the harlequin idea and being in a different color than black and white makes it super cool.

This idea was done by painting over labels cut to look like silhouettes. I love the idea of a gridded wall, but this was an interesting take on the same idea. Would be cute in a kids room with bright colors and cars, trains and boats instead of people.

And these are all the chalkboard paint ideas! A globe??? Could be really cool in my art room! And I am dying to make these calendars! They are really sleek and different! I dont have a pic of it, but I also have an old door I am painting in chalkboard paint to put in the entry with colored chalks. That way visitors can write a message!

Where do I start?? I am playing with paint we still have right now, before I buy some new colors. I am working on wide stripes in our bedroom and thinking through some ideas for the living room. hmmmmm....

My days are running together

2010-06-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

How does time go so quickly? My boy is almost 3 months old and my days are all one big blur now! We are having lots of fun rolling over, razzing, standing with some help, laughing and smiling at Momma and sitting in our bumbo seat.

Zeke's favorite toy is Mr.Monkey on his play mat. He grabs his tail and swings him around and hugs him. he also like to hug and chew on his handmade burpcloths to soothe himself. He's become very drooly and makes us wonder if he's gonna be an early teether. We are working on giving him a feeding on a bottle every day to prepare for when Momma goes back to work, but we are failing miserabley.

We've started running at night and take Zeke in our new jogging stroller. We all 3 love it! It plays music and has great shocks, so Zeke isn't bouncing out all the time. Zeke's a real trouper and goes to parties, restaraunts and shopping with Momma and Daddy all the time. He loves being passed around and admired by everyone and only cries when he's really tired or hungry.

We are having so much fun watching him develop his personality and I know Daddy is ready for him to be big enough to really play with. We are enjoying nights of good sleep since he began sleeping through the night (at 2 months people...that ROCKS!) He's just a great baby and keeps us busy but happy every day!

updates...

2010-05-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

So my little guy is 2 months old now. It has gone by so fast! Today I took him for his 2 month check up and immunizations. He weighed in at 11lbs 11oz and measured 22 3/4 inches long. He is in the 50th percentile for both weight and height! Way to be average, buddy!

He is doing all kinds of fun things now like rolling over, sitting in his bumbo chair, pulling on Mr.Monkey on his play mat, practicing standing on those strong legs and talking, smiling and laughing. He is also starting to sleep through the night, which is a welcome change to my 4hr sleep spells.

I love my little guy more than I thought was possible. I have a friend who had her baby very early and it made me think about what couldve happened with Zeke. I am so lucky to have gotten pregnant and all, and am so grateful that he is so healthy and happy. He has been blessing beyond what I expected and I still can't get enough of him...even just staring at his sweet little face while he sleeps.

Here are some pics of my boy during this past month.

Big Boy!

2010-05-01T07:29:00.000-07:00

My little man had a monumental week. He started cooing and smiling this week, even got a laugh out of him when Aunt Amy was over on Tuesday! But what I am most proud of happened last night...
Zeke slept in his crib, in his own room!!!
Normally we keep him in the pack n play in our room about 3 feet from me. That makes it easy to get up when he needs food or changing. At his last doctor's apt, the pediatrician instructed me to start working on his bedtime ritual. He said around 1 month old we should be working towards 2 4hr sleep cycles at nite. At 2 months we should be shooting for a 6hr sleeptime, and at 3 months we should be trying for 8. "That sounds amazing!" I said, "How do I do that?" (at that point he was sleeping about 1 1/2- 2 hrs at a time. We were told to let him cry for at least 3 minutes during the nite before picking him up, so he'll learn to go back to sleep. We were also told to get a nighttime plan in motion...same order, same things, same time every nite. When he gets older that will include story and prayer with Daddy, but for now our ritual is Bath, Feeding, Bed with music mobile.
It worked right from the beginning and quickly he was sleeping 4hrs for his first stint at night, then between 2 and 4 for his second stint. It's been a couple of weeks now and he has consistently slept for those times, even when we were in Lubbock. So we decided to try him out in his crib so Daddy can get more sleep and we can have our room back!
I started having him take his morning nap in his crib to get him used to it, and we moved the crib attachment from the pack n play into the crib (just the mat part that he sleeps on), so that he would have something familiar to bedtime. He didn't want to go to sleep, and cried several times when we tried to lay him down, but finally...he crashed and slept for not 4 hrs...but almost 6!!! I think Mom rightly diagnosed why...better mattress = better sleep. Why didn't I think of that? I fed him again and he went right back to sleep for another 3 hours. Good boy! We are so proud!!!

priceless photography

2010-04-27T12:37:00.001-07:00

Zeke was a little male model at about 3 weeks old. These were taken by our friends Brandon and DeeDee Price. They are getting a photography business off the ground and offered to do these for us. LOVE them! Check out their website... www.pricelessphotodfw.com

He's changing everyday

2010-04-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

I love my little guy. I love everything about him. I love his tiny fingers and toes. I love his pitiful "I'm sleepy" cry. I love how his hair curls up at bathtime. I love how I can feel his breath on my face when he's asleep on my shoulder. I love the smiles he gives in his sleep. But mostly I love knowing he's mine. He is a little person that I created with my best friend, a little bit of each of us. I cant wait to see what he'll do next and who he'll become, and I'm soaking up every sound he makes, every look he gives and every moment I have to share with him.

Zeke Updates

2010-04-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

Well...my boy is 2 1/2 weeks old now. It's hard to believe it's been that long! In fact, I've missed 15 days of school now...which is just insane! I saw my sub last night at the End Of Year art show and she assured me things are going well and how happy she is with the lessons I left her. We also found out there is a job opening in our district next year so she is going to set up an interview soon. I'm hoping this will be her big break!

Zeke is changing so much every day, it's hard to not just sit and watch him all day long! He loves tummy time and hates being on his back. He makes this squeeky sound when het gets really upset, almost like his voice is cracking. He loves footsie pjs and socks. If his feet are warm, he's a happy camper! He sleeps really well in the pack n play in mommy and daddy's room and has tried the crib a time or two in his own room. He eats and eats and eats and cracks me up when he's really hungry. He does this super fast chomping motion and starts breathing really hard. We have to remind him to calm down. Daddy has a way with him I just don't have down yet. He can just talk and Zeke is in a trance. He loves hearing Daddy sing and hum to him. He does really well in the car and sleeps in his car seat for long stints when he gets home.

Joe and I have been so blessed these past weeks. We have had so many visitor and just as many helpers. People bring us food EVERY day and I get calls asking me if I need anything on a daily basis. Mom spent 15 days with us and I don't know how we wouldve gotten through without her. she cleaned and did laundry, kept the baby while I slept, and just kept me company. Thanks Mommy!

Besides our families, I think the people most excited about our arrival are my sweet Hannah Sisters. I have spoken of them before, but I have to reitterate...

These ladies saved my life many times over. Amy and I joined their infertility support group about 2 years ago, when our husbands were at the end of their ropes with us and we had nowhere else to turn. We have shed so many tears and shared so many prayers with these ladies and God has been faithful to us all, giving all 3 of those trying to concieve babies this year. Thank you Carol, Sheila and Debbie. More than I will ever be able to put into words...you got me through. You believed when I didn't. You were strong when I was weak (yes, even Carol who cried every week.) You will hold a place in my heart for as long as I live. God brought us together and I know that what you have taught me is going to help me help others now. Thank you thank you thank you. I love you girls so much!

JOSEPH EZEKIEL VARNEY, WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!

2010-04-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

Long story short...
Monday March 22
Enter the hospital at 7pm. Nurse gets me settled, gives me meds to start dialating (I'm at a 1), and we start noticing contractions on the monitor.

March 23

We labor ALL DAY. I cannot get an epidural until I'm at a 4, which doesn't happen until after 5pm. I have different meds, sit on a fitness ball, have my water broken by my doctor, and still can't get the munchkin to drop.

9pm

The doctor makes the call...I'm not gonna deliver this way..Csection asap! We get prepped an to the OR. (More on that story later). Zeke is born at exactly 10pm!

We return to around 12 people waiting for Zeke to appear. Cue the paparrazi camera attack. Flashes going off all around as he makes his debut to the family and friends.

Uncle matt

We spend 4 days in the hospital and Zeke had LOTS of visitors. He is very popular!

At home...we can't stop taking his picture. He is just too cute!

I promise to post more in the next few days. I have lots of pics to show of the happy grandparents and uncles, as well as some sweet ones of my wonderful Hannah Sisters. I have so much to say and so much to share with you all, so I will try to tear myself away from my little guy so I can do that.

last few days

2010-03-21T19:38:00.001-07:00

Well...pregnancy is ending. I am so ready. Never thought I would say that. I am so ready to meet my little man and really ready to start my trek back to my normal body. I've loved every moment with this boy growing in me and it's wierd to think that tomorrow may be my last day pregnant...ever. But I am so thankful that I was able to experience this and that in a very few hours I will have a son to hold and kiss. Tonight is our last night at our house as a family of 2. Tomorrow I enter the hospital and start the induction process that will all end with the prize we've worked 3 years for!

This morning I found it hard not to start crying in church as I remembered our tearful, excrutiating announcement 2 years ago, that we were not able to concieve. That sounds so long ago, yet feels like just a blink of my eye. Thanks to all of you who have stalked, read, prayed and hoped for us these past years. Very soon we will have a tangible answer to what God promised us!

I noticed this week that I haven't shown off my nursery! So here it is....

Next post will have photos of the little man himself!

Maternity pics....at least a few to wet your whistle!

2010-02-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

These were taken by my friend DeeDee and her husband Brandon. We wandered around Grapevine looking for spots and found some great places. Thanks for capturing this time for us Price family!

These last 2 I took myself. Pretty proud of them!!

Zeke Take 2

2010-01-29T19:18:00.000-08:00

So we had technical difficulties during the first session, so we got to go back for round 2 freebie session today!!! Unfortunately Joe missed out on this one, but my BFF Amy was able to be there. I loved hearing her squeal at all the movements and little features that were becoming so clear on the screen. As Amy said, "I can't wait to squeeze him and kiss those little cheeks!" I know it's blurry...he's a wiggle wart. But look close. See his little fingers scratching his face/rubbing his eyes. He's so sleepy!!!

The bump down at the bottom left isn't his shoulder...it's the placenta. He was very attached to it today.

Tiny little fingers that will wrap around mine soon!

Oh!!! He is so cute!!! Still rubbing his eyes, and a little blurry, but still...ADORABLE!

31 weeks

2010-01-24T16:01:00.001-08:00

Every day I find myself just staring at my body in the mirror. I still can't believe what is happening. I was the girl who stuffed pillows under her shirt, even in past few years to see what I'd look like pregnant. I love my big, round basketball belly. I am so close to the end and ready to meet my little fella. :)

Here's me at 31 weeks (last week).

our sweet boy @ 31 weeks!

2010-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

December 2010

2010-01-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

About an hour into the snowfall on Christmas Eve. It was about 3pm and we had just gotten back from lunch. What a surprise this was!

My living room on Christmas Eve. Notice the new toy for Zeke's room! My momma got him a big Geoffery Giraffe. He's so cute!

Joe got Daddy and Son Cowboys gear.

Pappa J's new leather coat.

Momma T got Zeke all his bedding. Isn't his blanket adorable!?!?

Jerry got a new grill to go with his new home!

Matty, Joe and I in our match scarves on Christmas Morning.

Matty opens his loot!

Varney boys at Christmas lunch (which I made for both our families). They are wearing their Christmas paper crowns too! (It's a British tradition to crack popping packages. Inside is a crown, a joke and a toy. The Casses do this every year.)

Matty always refuses to wear his. Tommie made him. :)

This is my life-long friend, Penny. We were best friends in Kindergarten and were in the same homeroom for the following 7 years. We recently reconnected and after a few months, both turned up pregnant at the same time! We are due about 10 days apart. :)

Baby Room with new bedding and new mattress! We also have finally registered and are scheduled for birthing class next Saturday! My 7 month apt was yesterday and I start my every 2 weeks schedule now. He'll be here soon! In fact, we heard his heartbeat with an at home monitor today. Very cool!

Hope you had holidays as happy as ours! We can't wait for next year when Zeke will be able to do more than kick Mommy's tummy! (we DID have fun with that though!)

nothing new

2009-12-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

Nothing new to report. Looking forward to christmas, and starting a running list of all that needs to get done before the baby arrives!

1. register at the hospital

2. pick a pediatrician

3. take a birthing class

4. tour the birthing center

5. buy a mattress

6. register for gifts

7. research what I want for said gifts

8. get shower dates nailed down

9. etc etc etc

In the meantime...Any adivce on mattresses, car seats, high chairs, strollers, etc would be appreciated. And here's my belly at 27 weeks. :)

Update...FINALLY!!

2009-12-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

I know.

I've heard.

I'm horrible about blogging.

Back when I was trying to get pregnant you got tired of hearing about it. And now that there is joy to share, I ain't sharin! I'll try to be better! :)

Quick update on the last couple of months:

1. Joe and I had our 4th anniversary on Nov 19th! We celebrated in SantaFe, eating great New Mexico cuisine and cuddling up by a fireplace with a warm blankie and a mexican hot chocolate!Joe sent me Callalillies....what I carried down the aisle. :)

2. We observed the 2nd loss we faced last year on Nov. 21st. We lost baby girl Varney to a DandC just over a year ago. It's hard to believe how life has changed in these past 12 months.

3. We went to Austin for Thanksgiving with my family and got to eat at the McMansion (the home McDonald's built....my great aunt sold her home and land to them and built a huge home with the money...thus the "McMansion.")

4. We had a very successful family literacy night at school, in which I had a unique piece of art for EVERY CHILD IN THE SCHOOL on display. Glad it's over, but man did the halls look good!

5. On November 2nd we found out we are having a boy!!! We had a little bit of a scare since the doctor couldn't find his stomach on the anatomy sono. We found everything else, and had to go back 2 weeks later to try again. In that time, I worried. I panicked a little. But ultimately I told God I trust him and believe that our baby is healthy and whole. And he was! He is squirmy as all get out and is measuring in the 89th percentile. Luckily, I am not. :) I have gained 8 lbs at last weigh in (3 weeks ago), and am guessing it's closer to 10 or 12 now.

6. I am a week and a half away from 3rd trimester! Can you believe that??? It's gone so fast and I am loving the kicks, the growing bump and the tummy rubs from my kiddos at school. I even had a kindergartener kiss my bump on Thursday. It was so cute! Anyhoo...I'm 24 weeks in the pic.

7. I hosted a brunch today for my girlfriends at church. Not a huge turnout this year, which turns out to be a good thing, as I was ready for a nap by 11! It's always fun to show off my holiday decorations and spend a few days baking and cooking for my pals! And this year had the added bonus of having a baby room to share too!

8. Creative juices are flowing....Joe and I did a holiday craft sale in Lubbock in November. I sold 6 things. Which made all our money back. But I have a bunch leftover. What to do with all those paintings...

I made new stockings for us. They say Mommy, Daddy and Zeke. :)

We also used our creativity to win the Woodland West Trunk or Treat on Halloween. We were the California Raisins. :)
That's what's been going on...and much more day to day busy times! We are anticipating fun times as we now go to birthing classes, chose a pediatrician and quickly near D-Day (delivery day). Let the countdown begin!

18 weeks

2009-10-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well...I'm 18 weeks now. Not sure, but I think I felt the baby kick for the first time today!! It felt different than anything I've felt so far. It only happened once, so now I am anxious to feel it again!

And hopefully on November 2nd we learn if its Zeke or Zoe at our ultrasound! Any guesses?

Frustration

2009-10-16T17:24:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure really where to start on this rant. It's been somethign building for over 2 years and while I thought I had overcome my anger with it, it came rushing back today.

One of the worst things about being an infertile couple is not that you can't have that baby...but that everyone else CAN. And lots of time it feels like you are the only one in this boat, just floating along in a sea of lonliness. Talking about it, praying about it, yelling about it, or crying about it still leave you floating with no life vest.

Randy is doing a series about faith in the hard times. If you are at all intersted in them, go to Woodland West C of C's website and listen to a sermon. I've only heard one, but it brought me to tears. There is something about saying you are hurting that take such courage. And once you admit it, it's hard to contain all the pain that's welled up. When Randy was talking about that sense of lonliness and that feeling that God is ignoring you, the feelings of the past 2 years came flooding in. He talked about how uncomfortable we are with eachother's pain. It's easy to focus inward and not worry about or really try to understand what others are going thru. That's why we feel alone in that sea. No one is reaching out because they either don't know how, or are afloat in a different ocean all their own. I know we felt like that often....actually most of the time. Even tho we knew we had hundereds upon hundreds of people praying for us, the fact that it was to akward to talk about with us for most people, made it the elephant in the room more than not.

And now I'm on the other side of the fight, pregnant, happy, healthy and getting bigger and bigger. I'm getting closer to the day I will feel movement in me and know if there is a Zeke or a Zoe in there....yet my heart is hurting for so many of my friends who can't share that same joy.

Thursday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. ( a mouthful, I know.) I'm sad to think I'm in a group that needs to remember a loss. And last night we got a little sad talking about how not just me, but 2 other close girlfriends SHOULD have newborns right now, who will all grow up together and be friends like us. But all 3 of us lost those pregnancies last fall. Today I learned of another close friend whose first sono showed a baby...with no heartbeat. And so I got another tearful phone call to discuss D and Cs and miscarriage. Another friend who is facing a new set of problems she didn't know were there and new set of options she thought were off the table. And I know there are countless more who struggle in silence.

Mom keeps telling me I've been through this to serve as a lifetime ministry. I have been through things and experienced heartaches that can help others in so many ways. But it breaks my heart to know that my victory won't be shared by all of them. We serve a mighty God who makes dreams come true and miracles happen. And I'm so unworthy to be one of these lost floating souls who recieved that mercy...and got my heart's greatest desire. But my tears are still rolling for those couples who still wait...feeling alone and helpless. And I just wonder why this has to be this way for so many of us.

So I pray tonight for strength to be a support for those around me who are looking for someone to hold onto. To get over myself and remember these girls who still long for what I have. And Lord, please, be with those 2 friends with broken hearts tonight. Hold them close to you and assure them that your plan is greater than they can imagine...and that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

so much to say...

2009-10-12T16:09:00.000-07:00

These past couple of weeks have been so full. We bought lots of good stuff at Just Between Friends in Grapevine including a diaper bag, a play mat and some more maternity clothes! Here is my cute bag:

Joe says it's not too girl, even if we have a boy and I LOVE IT! It's so me!

Most exciting is that we bought a crib and changing table! There is this adorable baby store in Lubbock called CUP OF TEA and we saw a baby crib there last year that we fell in love with. Just been waiting for a bun in the oven so we could buy it! We found out in the spring that the company that manufactures them has discontinued this model! CUP OF TEA bought out their inventory. So we got one of 3 that was left! Hooray! Its a convertable bed and is perfect in our nursery. Beside the fact that my credit card was cancelled unbeknownst to me (which we foudn out when I went to pay for it) and the fact that it woudn't fit in our car...it was a smooth transaction!

This past weekend we spent with our BFFs the Wilsons and the Tindells! It was so fun to be with our friends again! We've all been so busy with family, baby stuff and travelling that we haven't all been together in a long time. The reason for our reunion? Jake and Brian did an Olympic Triathalon! That's 1500yd swim, 25 mile bike ride, 6.2 mile run. It was Sunday, in the 40 degree weather and rain. The water was warm, the roads were hilly and slick and the run was exhausting cuz...well....did you hear what else they did first? They finished TOGTHER at under 3.5 hours. So proud of those guys!

And...I said I wouldnt put a bare belly picture but this one really shows where I am. Here goes!

Oh yeah! And my new toy...really my early anniversary gift from my Honey. thanks babe!

Baby Updates

2009-09-21T14:28:00.001-07:00

I am such a slacker! I know. I know. Baby weeks are flying by and I am leaving you all in the dark! So let's get a quick rundown, shall we?!!?

As of tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant and I am so thrilled to be out of the first trimester! I am not nearly as picky about my eating and can make it through the day, past 9 oclock without a nap! The first few weeks were a big blur of sleepiness and picky picky eating. I was never sick, but did have foods that made me feel nausous or just icky in general. My clothes would go from to tight, to barely fitting and back. Every day I had a different size pooch under my belly button. Of course, boobs are sore and growing, but mostly I was just in a daze of "can this be really happening?" I still feel that way pretty often, but with my belly getting bigger and bigger, it's becoming more real to me.

So I am now officially having to start the maternity wear. I bought swimsuit so I can start water aerobics. I have a couple of dresses and some shirts. But this weekend I finally caved and got the maternity jeans. I have some dress pants that are stretchy in the waist (Thank you Lerner!), but the dress pants will be soon to follow. I cannot button any skirts or pants anymore. I have the little bellyband thing, but it rolls and bunches and I just don't like it too much. Lots of my shirts don't work either because my boobs are too big to button them up, or I have too much cleavage to be comfortable. But I like knowing that little peanut is growing in there, so I can't complain!

I had my first real visit with my OB last Tuesday. Things were going well until they tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler (a little microphone they rub on your belly.) She couldn't find it. I got so scared. They sent us for a sono to make sure everythign was okay. And we got to see our little miracle again. Heart beating. Legs kicking. Arms moving up and down. It was amazing. A real, live being is inside me!!! I go back on October 13th for the next apt. The one AFTER that is when we find out if it's a Zoe or a Zeke. Speaking of....Our official names are Zoe Abigail Varney OR Joseph Ezekiel Varney... Zoe or Zeke!

We are finishing up the nursery, including buying a crib this coming weekend. We have cleared out all non-baby things from the baby room and can't wait to fill it with fun things! Here are a couple of pics of my baby bump progress.

This is at 8 weeks....

This is yesterday....just shy of 14 weeks...

I can't see my pants when I look down! My belly sticks out!!!!

baby update

2009-09-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to my ObGyn for my first appointment on Thursday. It was completely uneventful, as I only met with a nurse and really only did paperwork. No bloodwork. No exam. It was very hard to leave the fertility clinic. I KNOW them. They KNOW me. I have relationships there. But my nurse Thursday was great. She was stunned to hear Joe and I are both twins. She said she couldn't believe we're only having a singleton.

It has been a fun last couple of week, seeing people and sharing the news. Lots of hugs and more tears than I ever expected! People I never thought would care so much are really WEEPING when they find out. I love feeling the prayers that have built up for the last 2 years being outpoured in emotion for us. We are blessed beyond measure and constantly hear of more and more people who have prayed without ceasing for our little one.

My favorite prayer story yet though, comes from the Dill family. If you are not a WW pal, you may recall a post from last year with Joe asleep on the floor with 2 little blonde boys. Those are our boys...Connor and Mac. Now they have a new little sister added to the mix. While their momma was pregnant, Mac (who is 4) started asking me all the time if I had a baby in my tummy. One night back in May he asked his Mom, "where is Joe and Rachel's baby?" She told him we don't have one. To which he replied, "They are married! They are supposed to have a baby!" Lauren told him God doesn't give babies to everyone. "He should give one to them. We need to pray for their baby." So every night for the whole summer, when Mac said his prayers, he finished with "please give Joe and Rachel a baby." And God answered. And while I know hundreds of people have been praying, part of me thinks this is thanks to the earnest heart of a child. Thanks Mac.

Cat's Out of the Bag!

2009-08-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

Most of you know now, we are finally expecting our first baby!!!

We did our final round of invitro in early July and have known for about 6 weeks now that we are pregnant. :) I have felt pretty good for the most part and have luckily been spared the dreaded morning sickness. Some foods don't make me feel so great, but if I avoid those, I'm usually pretty good. A couple of weeks ago we were able to see our baby for the first time. It was a very nervous day for us, since this is when we lost our last one. But that day, there was a little bean in my uterus and a healthy heartbeat to be heard...at just shy of 7 weeks! Last Thursday we went for a follow up (the day I thought I was 9 weeks, come to find out....9 weeks and 2 days!). We saw the baby again, heart the heartbeat again and were told I could go off my progesterone injections! I went back on Friday to make do some blood work to make sure my body had taken over progesterone production. It has! So I am officially released from the fertility doctor and free to see my regular OBGYN.

I cannot express the feelings we are feeling and the overwhelming joy and excitement surrounding us and our families! It is such a miracle and one we were not sure we would ever be blessed with. These past 9 months, since the last pregnancy, have brought so many blessings in our marriage and God really gave me peace about what was ahead. The only time I doubted was the night before our pregnancy test. But God was faithful and we will never stop thanking him for this blessing!

I will have tons of things to share and post in the upcoming weeks and months and am SO looking forward to watching my belly grow! Mom and I have already gone maternity shopping and I am ready to be a cute pregnant gal!

So there it is....10 weeks down and 30 to go!

more craftiness!

2009-07-26T18:10:00.000-07:00

So with summer giving me lots of extra time to paint and create, I have been hard at work in what will one day be our nursery. Painting the vines on the wall I knew would take me a good week's worth of time and we really wanted to build a palm tree...so that was going to take some ingenuity. So here's what we've ended up with:

The room looks like a wreck, but just pay attention to the walls. :) I painted every vine and leave by hand, just me a my paintbrush. It took me about 25 hours and each vine has 3-4 coats of paint. You can't tell from the pictures, but they are glossy finished which makes the light shine off of them. I am IN LOVE with this room!

Next we worked on the Palm tree. We started with an old floor lamp that Joe had....similar to this one.

Joe took it apart and cut the wiring out. Then we got some PVC pipe and fastened is to the lamp frame with epoxy and filled it with sand to weigh it down a little. I played with how to make leaves and found something that worked really well. I made "leaf shaped pillow cases" out of green felt and made a frame to hold it up and make it bendable with floral wire and a coat hanger. The cool part was, we found a way to make it where we can arch the middle by pushing the wire forward and backward. It was a happy discovery! Then we slide the frame in and sew it all up.

Here they are all bunched up as a "bouquet" and wired together so we can feed them into the pipe.

And here's the finished tree! I am SO proud of it!

Joe finished up the top of the dresser while I was busy with the vines. The boy did good! Here's his finished project!

painting in progress

2009-06-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've been working on this week. Sorry some are turned sideways. Not sure how to get them rotated. It's not posting the way they are in my picture album!!! Silly BLOGGER!

busy busy busy

2009-06-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

I have been a busy bee this week. I am LOVING spending time with my new little boyfriend...Grady Henderson. Melanie is nice enough to let me spend a couple of days a week with her little guy getting in some mommy practice. He's 7 months old and on the brink of crawling. He got stuck in one of his toys on Tuesday. He scooted in and couldn't go forward any more and couldn't back up. He thought it was hillarious and so did I!

I've also been painting up a storm! I've worked on some more of my animals and did something drastic in my kitchen. And of course...I LOVE IT! Here's what I've been doing this week:

Mom saw penants like these in an antique store and thought they were adorable. She bought one so we could try making our own. They are so adorable! I went to see the originals yesterday and there was only one left! It was stuck in a bouquet of flowers and looked so beautiful! We also think they'd be great atop a birthday cake! Lots of work to put together, but fun work!

I started brainstorming ideas for my nursery rhyme/old book collage pieces. And Debbie suggested I do Bible pages with Bible characters as well. That's in the works, but here's what I've got so far.

Rub a Dub Dub Three Men in a Tub

Mary Had a Little Lamb

Humpty Dumpty

And here are the animals that I am still working on. Joe got a table saw for Father's Day (it's his first one since our pregnancies!) so he can help cut boards and learn how to "build stuff."

And last, but not least is my kitchen makeover. We went to the parade of homes in Lubbock last week and saw some amazing places. One thing that was recurring was kitchen bars that were a different color than the rest of the kitchen. Often they had different countertops, but always were a different color at the base. So...

Here's BEFORE

And here's AFTER

Brent's Wedding

2009-06-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

This weekend my dear friend Brent got married in beautiful Colorado. It was fun to be with all my college friends again. Some of which I haven't seen in years. Congrats Brent and Laura!

a new experiment

2009-06-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

I am getting a lot of good feedback about some of the painting I am working on both here and on facebook so I am going to try a little experiment this summer. I am going to invest $100 into making as many of these "kid art" pieces as possible and see what kind of profit I can turn on etsy.com.

I know NOTHING about selling, marketing, shipping, etc. So I will have much to learn. If any of you have advice, lay it on me, particularly when it comes to shipping. I have no idea how I will ship these things, let alone how much it will cost.

I'll have some more pics up for you soon.

baby room

2009-05-31T17:54:00.001-07:00

This weekend I worked on the baby room for a while, all the time praying for the little one I hope will be living there sometime in the upcoming months.

I worked on the vines again and then began work on some animals on mdf board. I am SO HAPPY with how they are turning out! I am going to make a bunch of these for my Xmas craft fair in November this year!

Let me know what you think! I will branch out and do other animals (of course) and am happy to take suggestions on other topics! I have LOVED making these so far. They are about 2 feet tall and 1 foot wide.

OH! There is also an elephant finished (just not photographed) and a monkey and lion in the works.

flashback

2009-05-20T15:46:00.000-07:00

Last night Joe and I went to the "Green and White Game" at his high school, Arlington High. Its when the team scrimages itself basically. The cheerleaders were cracking me up. They'd do a cheer (pretty unenthusiastically) and at the end...no jumps, no GO COLTS!! Just smooth out my hair and make comment to my friend. It was funny to watch.
After the game there is a fundraiser- a burger cookout! So we went and got in line for that. In front of us were 3 of those same cheerleaders. One with a boyfriend who, rightly so, remained very quiety among the giggly girls, pointing and commenting on everyone and everything going on. One of said cheerleader's mom was right behind us. So when we finally got to the grub, she fell behind with mom and the other 2 and boyfriend took off. I thought nothing of it. But when Joe came to sit down he said,"That cheerleader just said to her mom, 'I don't have any friends.' Mom said, 'Sure you do! They were just here!' and she replied, 'They ditched me. I don't have any REAL friends." And we looked over and there she is with her mom at the next table, a little teary.
My heart really hurt for her. That was me for a while in high school. At least at school. I LOVED my life at church. I was loud and silly and had tons of friends. That's where I could shine. But at school I felt really left out. The people I thought were my friends never treated me like one. They never asked me to do anything with them. That's what ultimately led to my quiting volleyball my senior year. Those girls were not my real friends. I found some real friends after that and life was so much better! So last night when I saw all this, I really wished I was bold enough to go talk to that cheerleader. Tell her that it sucks right now. That I'd been there too and I made it out. That there are friends to be made in other places. That going off to college and starting again is a great opportunity. And that high school is not the end of things. In many ways, it's just the beginning. Of course Joe and I joked abotu how I ended up marrying a football player too (could've added that in for humor's sake in my speech.)
I had just about decided to bite the bullet, go over and talk to her. But she ran out to the parking lot crying. I wish I had acted immediately. I thougth about her a lot today and how it would've made a difference to me if a stranger had had that talk with me 13 years ago. Crazy what life throws at you and how you forget pain from the past. Next time, I'm going to say something. :)

a bunch of little happinesses

2009-05-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

I have been working on several little projects and they all are making me smile. I've been really pleased with each of them and thought I'd share, in case you want to use them yourself! They are all inexpensive little projects either at my home or at school. I'll let you know how much each cost even!
#1. This was the priciest: NEW SHUTTERS! I am so pleased with these. They make the front of the house look so different. Now I konw I'm biased, but I think our house is the best looking on on our street. Our lawn is a little patchy color-wise, but we have bushes and flowers and a tree and now...SHUTTERS! It's adorable! Got them from Home Depot for about $50 total. #2. New flowers in the front yard. I bought huge hanging arrangements of zinnias (I think) for $5 each! (what a deal?!?!) Now how long can I keep them alive???

#3. My old planters are so ick. They are grayed and boring. And I kill everything I plant in them anyways...so more gray and ick. I was at Home Depot the other day and I saw all these new ceramic pots in bright yellow, lime green, aqua!! But at $20 a peice, I didn't want them so much. Instead, I bought a couple cans of plastic spray paint (about $3.50 each) and sprayed my old plastic pots. Too cute...and a splash of color for plain ol' green plants!

#4. Vines on the wall. I am working on the baby room right now. It will be all ready when God decides to send us someone to live in it! I began the vines that will eventually go all the way around the green room. I wasn't too keen on the dark, glossy green that Joe picked, but once it was on the wall, I LOVE it! Joe was really pleased with the results we got too. So far...only cost was a quart of paint, about $13. Now it's just gonnna take some time.

#5. Printmaking at school. We tried something new this year. When we did printmaking, we started by doing color bleeding with tissue paper squares and water (great activity if you have little kids!!) Then we rolled black tempra on famous art rubbing plates and made a print on the wet colored paper. They turned out AMAZING! You can get famous art rubbing plates for $7 from Sax Arts and Crafts.

#6. Symmetry studies. This was easy too. Take picture of your child. Print only half of it. Have them draw the other side. These are so cute. This is one from a 1st grader.

#7. Finally, we are doing some large scale art pieces for the school. They will be permenant parts of the front hallway very soon. We decided to do children's books and each of my 10 second grade classes did a different book. Each child did a pencil drawing and the one looking most like the actual book was blown up to be painted. Here is one of the first finished so far. Cost of these was just under $4 each. They measure 3 ft x 2ft. (MDF was bought and cut at Home Depot.)

My water broke

2009-05-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

Yep. It's true. My water broke today. No, I'm not in labor. My water isn't working in my classroom! I went to turn on the water this morning and nothing happened! Luckily, I had all my paint buckets filled and ready for the day already. (I did some prep the afternoon before). Also luckily, my classes that were doing printmaking did not require water to be refreshed (no rinsing brushes or anything in those buckets.) Furthermore, it was lucky that my 2 classes doing this project today were my 2 most weel behaved 2nd graders. They could be trusted to do tissue paper bleeds, black ink prints and go wash their hands in the bathroom down the hall without me standing with them every step and monitoring their every move. They even came back in quietly and got to work on the post-printing activities. Good kiddos! My water is still broken and no idea when I will get it back. Hard doing art with no sink!
This afternoon I was thinking, "My water broke" and realized the irony in that. If Baby Varney #1 had made it to term, my water would have broken today. It was my due date. God sure was showing his sense of humor!

pray

2009-05-06T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hello blog readers!

This week is hard for me. It's mother's day again. Last year I said it would be my last one without a baby. Well...in some ways, that's true. I did concieve 2 children this past year. And while last year was hard, this one is harder in lots of ways. I have found myself crying, or at least tearing up a lot this week. It's hard to see Mother's Day splashed everywhere. It's hard hearing how awesome mom's are and knowing that's not me still. But its really hard because I should be delivering my first child this weekend. Baby Varney #1 was due May 12th. That's Tuesday.
Part of me wants to acknowledge this on Sunday, along with my 2 other girl friends who have lost babies this year. Part of me wants to avoid the issue all together. Last year was so hard, and honestly...the best time of my whole year was Mother's Day with Amy and Brian. I know it can be that way this year too.
So we are running away again, this time with another couple added to the mix and 4 babies lost between the 3 couples (2 of those mine). I hope it's a weekend of fun and laughter and not one of tears and heartache. If you're a mom, I hope you truly appreciate the gift you've been given. There are many of us who hurt very deeply because we are denied that same blessing.
Here's hoping this year is the year and next year this post will be filled with baby pictures.
Remember those of us in this crappy boat while you celebrate on Sunday.

2009-04-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

Confession: I have read Pride and Prejudice about 200 times. I get lost in the language-words like thither, mischance, felicity. I'm always in agony over whether Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are really going to get together. Read it - I know you'll love it.
- Meg Ryan in YOUVE GOT MAIL

I just finished watching a movie called LOST IN AUSTEN. It was so great! I LOVE Jane Austen more than I can say. PRIDE AND PREJUDICE is my favorite book and the 5 hour BBC movie is the greatest film EVER! (too many capitals??) Those of you who have seen it, I am sure have fallen in love with Mr. Darcy, or at least with Colin Firth. We all remember the seen in the pond, right?

Well this strange little movie was a wonderful look at how it would feel to enter the book you love. I loved the moment when Amanda (the main character) tells Darcy that every moment in her life has had him there. That every man she's ever been with has been compared to him. And as the story gets more and more jumbled, as Jane marries Mr.Colins and truths about Wickahm, Georgiana, Charlotte and the Bingleys all are discovered, Amanda finds herself helpless to stop the direction the story is headed.

So...if you love Pride and Prejudice and could find yourself knowing each character you face, if you met them in reality, rent this movie. It's a wonderful escape into a world so far from us, but so well known in our imaginations.

hawaii whale watch

2009-04-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

i am such a slacker! I know I have so much to show from Hawaii, but I'm so unmotivated! Here are some pics from whale watching. the real treat is watching the video of the whales coming right up to the boat. Unfortunately, they won't post, or I'm just inept at getting them on here.

We spent a little over 2 hours out on the ocean with the Captain chasing after a mama and baby whale. We also saw a couple of other whales closeby and several whales breeching full on, out of the water quite a ways out.

There were several cool things about this outing. In fact, I have done many cool things in my life, but this would definatley be in the top 10 of all time. First of all, it was just Joe and I with the captain on this boat in a big empty ocean. That's pretty awesome. He prayed with us before we left the dock that God would protect us and provide some great viewing of his creation. Boy did he! We had whales within 10 feet of the boat and so close we could hear them talking when they swam under us. It was incredible! We also learned quite a bit abotu whales. The most interesting thing was that they leave a footprint when they enter the water. You can see a big, floating oval of slickness when they go under. So cool!

So here are a couple of pictures. Sorry they aren't better...I was too busy enjoying the view! The FOOTPRINT. See the glossy oval? It's the oils from the whale left on the surface.

Oh Captain, My Captain

Hawaii part one

2009-03-29T12:31:00.001-07:00

I know you want to hear about Hawaii. Me too! I want to relive it! But before I can do that, I have to do this. Yes, it has SOMETHING to do with Hawaii...but not what you are looking for I'm sure.
It's no secret that I've got baby fever. It's been a hard last couple of months as friends come closer and closer to their due dates, others have the babies that they've prayed for for years. And here I sit. No baby in my tummy still.
I even went to Hawaii with the expectation that I would have one in me when I got home. We prayed and prayed for that. I even went to this fertility Rock to let the Hawaiian legend work it's magic on me. (Legend says if you sit on the rock and leave a gift, you will become pregnant. I sat. I left a gift. Joe and I even prayed up there, as I fought a severe crying attack.) But Monday morning when I awoke back to normal life and a day of work ahead, mother nature had shown up yet again. For the 25th month in a row to say HaHa! No baby for you!
This morning at church it kept coming up again! New little baby less than a month old, one seat in front of me. (Love this kid already, since her brothers are my favorite kids of all time!) After class a sweet woman who routinely gives me a hug and kiss pulled me over and said, "Is there a baby yet?" "no." "Awww....well you keep at it." We are. We will. SIGH. She told me someone she knew tried 13 years then had 2. I told her those are the stories I hate. I've only been waiting 2 years. I may have 11 ahead....not what I wanted to hear.
At the church luncheon later on, I was approached 2 more times. Once by the mother of a friend similarly afflicted. She wanted to meet me, since she'd heard about me, and tell me she was praying for us. And yet another older woman I don't know grabbed Joe and I to tell us she miscarried multiple times, was told she couldn't carry a child, adopted after 10 years of trying, the concieved in just over a year. She told us she loves her adopted kid as much as her "homegrown" one...there's no difference there. She said, " I know you want to carry your own child. It's not fun, but I know you want that. I did too. But I love my adopted daughter as much as I do my son. It's going to happen for you guys."
All 3 of these women had no idea the other had spoken to me. Nor did they know that this is something really weighing on me again. I get these glimmers of hope and feel like God is telling me something, but then I'm not pregnant. Again. It's hard to keep the glimmer alive. So what is God doing? How do I know? Our preacher told us today the scripture was about us. It speaks TO us. His final offering to the congregation was "Ask and you will recieve. Seek and it will be given to you. Knock and the door shall be opened to you." I've asked. I've seeked. I've knocked. Still no recieving.
SO...keep reading. Keep checking in. I promise the next one will be more upbeat. Hawaii part two: WHALE WATCHING

just a preview from hawaii trip...we leave in 24 hours

2009-03-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

a moment like this

2009-03-19T23:45:00.000-07:00

There are few moments in life that are special and just yours. Of course there are the weddings, the baptisms, the day your child is born. But how many moments do you have that are just yours....just a "Wow...can this be real? and happening to me?" moment?

I can think of a couple that I've had in my life. One that was very memorable was a few years ago when I backpacked in Europe. I was in Paris and was strolling along the Seine, eating an apple, humming a tune. Then it hit me..."How did I get here?!? I am so lucky! Some people will never get to be in this amazing city and I've been here twice? And here I am 24, funded my own trip to Europe and strolling alone and content in the city of lights?!!?" It was a moment of true awe at this point of life I've arrived at.

Today I had another such moment. It was around 6pm here in Molokai, HI. Joe and I went down to the beach near the house. Joe took a book to read and I spent some time alone in the surf. I was sitting on a rock a couple of feet into the ocean, just taking in the endless water, the coconut grove behind me and the sparkles on the water. I was thinking about what an amazing God we have and how incredible his creations are...when it happened. A song came on my ipod. I little song called "A Moment Like This." Now, I love Kelly Clarkson, but this song is cheese. today it brought something new to me tho. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. Could this be the greatest love of all? I want to know that you will catch me when I fall.

God's love for me IS the greatest love of all. He WILL catch me when I fall. And some people wait a lifetime for moments like the one I was having with him. I thank God for those moments of pure contentment. Moments I'm lost in his love for me.

The flip side

2009-03-13T18:41:00.001-07:00

Last weekend Joe and I attended the Zoe Conference. It was amazing. In all honesty, it was like stepping back into summer camp 10 years ago....okay, 15 years ago. :) The worship was inspiring. The classes were intense. And the speakers were captivating. Yes, I learned so much I didn't know or hadnt thought about. I spent Friday in a class on Teen sexuality. It was so eye opening and refreshing what was being said by this youth minister. I can't wait to share all he taught us with my youth minister and children's minister here in Arlington.
The title of the conference was FEARLESS. Awesome...let's be unafraid to share the good news! Unafraid to be Christians in this dark world! Bring it on! Oh, but wait. I'm afraid of something. REALLY afraid. Of something I thought I was beginning to be okay with. Something I have distanced myself from and allowed myself to creep back into normalcy from.
Friday night Jeff Walling was speaking about fear. He was telling the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego. The fiery furnace! And he talked specifically about how what they told Nebuchanezzar: About how they trust God to protect them, but even if he does not, we will still not bow down to you. "EVEN IF HE DOES NOT." That was the challenge. Not to just have faith and trust God in the struggle, but to still trust and be faithful EVEN IF HE DOES NOT do what you ask of him. Wow. What if he "DOES NOT?" We wrote our fears on a big poster that hung in the auditorium. Most people wrote things like "losing my job" or "outliving my family" or "having enough money for college," "my cancer returning," "something bad happening to my kids." Mine? "Not being able to have my own children." I admitted it. To 300+ people. I'm deathly afraid of it. I had to keep my mouth shut the rest of the evening for fear the tears would come. That night I had a dream that someone close to us (who shall remain nameless) announced her pregnancy. And I got really upset. Awoke upset too.
On Saturday there was a very VERY emotional 10 minutes. Emotional for everyone in attendance. One by one people came out with a peice of cardboard. On the front was their struggle. On the back, their triumph because of faith. For example:
Front:Diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago.
Back: Cancer free since 2005
Front: Smoked for 25 years
Back: Off nicotine for 4 years
Front: Thought drugs would claim my son
Back: Sober for 3 months+
You get the idea. But there were 2 that hurt. I mean physically hurt. Joe later said each flip was like getting punched in the chest. HARD.
One was a friend from my teen years. Her's said "Excited to see our first ultrasound. But 60% chance of downs syndrome." Back: "Baby Sophie born in December, healthy and normal."
PUNCH!
and...Front: Baby Nathan died. Back: Now we are doubley blessed.
PUNCH!
I started crying right away. After that session, I looked at Joe. Crying too. We had to leave the building. I couldn't contain it. I had no idea it was such a huge fear for me. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in 12 years shortly after. We were talking and I told her what we've been thru this year. She told me she'd had 2 miscarriages also. And this dear, sweet girl hugged me and prayed with me, right in the middle of the bookstore. She even cried with me. It was amazingly comforting.
So, despite my smiley face and my apparent strength right now, there is still a very scared girl inside me. And while I'm very able to help others right now, in similar situations, I'm still in the middle of my struggle. And that's why it hurt so much to watch those cards flip. My flipside would be blank. Front: Slim to no chance of ever having kids, 2 miscarriages. Back: EMPTY
When will I have my flipside?
Dad bought me a CD and I listen to it constantly now. One song I love is "You Never Let Go." It's like I hear words for me everytime.
"Oh Lord you never let go. Thru every high and every low. Oh Lord you never let go, Lord you never let go of me. I can see a light in the darkness for the heart that holds on. And there will be end to these troubles, but until that day comes...still I will praise you. Still I will praise you. Lord you never let go of me!"

how has life gotten so busy?

2009-02-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

Did you know there are only 14 weeks of school left? And that I've been back for 7 weeks from Christmas break? Where did that time go?!?! I have an art show in 1 month!!! YIPES! I leave for Hawaii in less than 3 weeks! YIPES again!! I know I must have been keeping myself very VERY busy to have completely missed the past 7 weeks of life.

So just so I have something to show for it, let me show you the art I've made this month. This is not all I've done, but my 2 favorites.

This is a picture I made for my friend Heather and her new baby that will be arriving in the next couple of weeks. Yes Lauren and Sheila, you will also be getting one. If you have a preference on the nursery rhyme speak now or forever hold your peace.

And this one I just did today at art inservice. It's a multilayered landscape. All done in paper. Pretty cool!

Here's a top angle. It's put together like an accordian with different layers glued inside.

sorrow revisited

2009-02-15T18:21:00.000-08:00

I have a dear, sweet friend who is having a difficult time right now. She suffered a miscarriage about a month after my last one and has kept it to herself for several weeks. She shared it with our class a couple of Sundays ago and my heart sank. She was someone who was so devastated at our losses and to hear that she had been silently hurting too, just brok my heart.
Now as I watch her going through it, I see myself. I remember those weeks of not wanting to come to church, knowing that it would take all I had to not cry. I remember feeling all alone in a room full of people, because their worlds were all sunny and rosy, and mine was dark and cold. But mostly I remember how I just wanted someone to care as much as I did. I wanted someone to understand my hurt wasn't just at that one moment in church, but constant. I wanted someone to remember I was still hurting. Luckily, I have had one such person. (shout out, Carebear!) I have a sweet friend who still sends me a card every week to remind me she thinking about me and praying for us. That means more to me than I can ever explain. And I want to do that for someone else now.
At the time, I thought people just didn't care. I stilll think that sometimes, but watching this girl in her grief...I have no words for her. And I just experienced this a couple of months ago! Nothing can be done to make it better. But I know that all I really needed was someone to be there, be sad with me, and tell me it would get better. So I'm trying my hardest. So while I want to keep my friends name in confidence, I konw many of you know who I am speaking of. Those who don't, just pray for Rachel's friend.
Tonight at singing, I was flipping through songs and I found so many lines that spoke to me. I'll leave you with one of them. I've never heard this song.....have you??
Does Jesus Care?
Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

updates I've gotten behind on...

2009-01-28T13:23:00.000-08:00

so much has been going on, it's been hard to find time to blog it all. But today is a snow day (ice day), so now that every part of my house has been cleaned, laundry put away, 2 workouts completed...blog time has arrived!

1. For Xmas we got something I never thought I would get addicted to. I told Joe we would never get a video game system, but I caved and we got a Wii. I am in LOVE with this thing! Not only do we get the old school Nintendo games I grew up on like Mario Bros and Punch Out, but we also have Rock Band and Wii Fit. Both of which I am addicted to. Rock Band became a great pasttime during Xmas break at home with my parents and brother. Below you will see a video of dad singing Eye of the Tiger. Hang in there thru the end of it...it's worth it. :) And the Wii fit....I do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. It monitors my bmi and weight as well as has me set fitness goals for myself, not to mention the fun activities it has! I've lost over 8 pounds in 4 weeks and am on pace to get to my goal weight before my last IVF cycle. So exciting!

And here is our band....Me, Matt, Dad and Mom

2. Ever watch Dancing with the Stars? Or....ever heard of Dancing with the Stars? Well, Joe and I are the next stars! We are taking Ballroom Dancing lessons on Monday nights and having a great time! In fact, we are thinking abotu going to a dance on Saturday nite! The last 2 classes we have been working on the foxtrot. We have learned the basice steps, a variation called "conversation" and a variation called "the zigzag." On Monday there was a couple there who missed the first class. The woman was....well.....scary. She obviously had had plastic surgery on her face and chest. She had a Joan Rivers vibe going on. And she was wearing a see through shirt with a hot pink bra, and black TIGHT leggings. Yipes. So towards the end of class Joe and I were dancing in the circle and I noticed her watching us. We rounded the corner and she booked it towards us. i thought she was going to grab her husband, but nope...she was coming for mine! She grabbed Joe's arm and announced "We are switching partners!" The two of them were so clueless and she said "you two konw what you're doing...I've been watching you. Help us!" So we switched and helped them out for a few minutes. Class ended with a promise to trade again next week. When we told our mom's the story they both told me to watch out...and older woman is trying to steal my man. :) I prefer to think it's just the fact that the Varneys rock at the foxtrot. :)

3. In less than a week I am entering a new phase of life. A new decade. On Tuesday I will be 30! I am actually really looking forward to it too! I don't see it as a bad thing, although Joe says it means I have to act like an adult now. :) In honor of our birthdays and really, in honor of our marriage surviving the hell that was 2008, we are planning a peaceful, romantic, renewing week away in March. Some friends have graciously and generously helped us out with a place to stay in....wait for it.....HAWAII!!!! I have never been there and neither has Joe. We wanted to go somewhere amazing before we spend the next several years paying off IVF, and hopefully paying for baby stuff with the baby I WILL be pregnant with soon. So we have taken some of our savings and we bought our tickets last week. The whole week of Spring Break on the island of Molokai. More on that to come!

4. And just for you, Tanya, here's a pic of our new bed. We got a sleigh bed with our Xmas money. We've had my bed from pre-marriage the past 3 years, so now we have "our bed" instead of "my bed."

I love PROMETHEAN!

2009-01-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

So I got this new toy at school. Shouldn't call it that...a new TEACHING TOOL! It didn't work initially(as technology tends to do), but it is up and running now and I am in LOVE with my Promethean Board!

This is new technology that allows you to do everything....EVERYTHING from a touch sensitive smart board. It's like a big blackberry. It has a stylus that looks like a marker and it's plugged into your laptop, the web, speakers, your ipod, a wii....you name it, you can hook it up to this sucker!

Here's what it looks like:

It is mounted to the wall and moves up and down. You can see the projector part is on the arm up above, so it moves with the board. It goes all the way down to 12 inches from the floor, perfect for my little guys to come work on!

Today was my first day with it up and running and my kids were in awe. We played games, drew pictures, moved blocks into graphs, all kinds of stuff! This thing will change teaching forever!! I can build a lesson on a flipchart (a slideshow, like powerpoint), but I never have to leave the board. everythign is accessible right there using my stylus. I can put in video links to the net, sounds, music, matching games, worksheets, books, you name it....it does it.

I went to training yesterday and my head is still spinning thru all the ideas from those 8 hours. Teaching is finally fun again! So glad that I am HAPPY AT SCHOOL!!!!!

Here's what it looks like in action:

I almost forgot!?!?

If you are a geek like me and want to see what this is all about, go to www.promethanplanent.com, or you can visit www.promethanlearning.com to try it out on your home computer and see what the software does.

a day in history

2009-01-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

Today was such a special day. We were able to witness a moment in history. Sure, we've witnessed others...911 attacks, the challenger explosion, the fall of the Berlin Wall. But never have we had the anticipation and expectation of such an event.

I watched the swearing in of our 44th president with 19 first graders today. Did they understand what was happening? Yes. And no. They know we have a new president today. They know his name is Barak Obama. But I'm sure they have no idea how important it was for them to see.

As we drove home from Lubbock yesterday, we listened to talk radio about the upcoming inauguration. While I am so excited about what is in store for our country, many are not. And I sympathize with their point of view, even though I don't share it. But despite which side you stand on, I hope that we all were moved and thankful that our country has reached this landmark. It's one I thought I would see in my lifetime, but not for a long, long time. Praise God for getting us here!

As I watched the oath being given, I couldn't help but tear up a little bit. My mom remembers the moonlanding and the assasination of Kennedy. My kiddos will remember this. It makes me so excited for them!!!

New News

2009-01-12T19:05:00.000-08:00

We went to the doctor today to get the final word on my D&C results.
The doc said that they found nothing wrong with the fetal tissue, so the chromosome issue is a moot point now. He said recurring miscarriage is caused by one of 3 things:
1. Genetic problems (ruled out on both of us now)
2. A structural problem with the uterus (not me)
3. Antibodies are developed that "attack" the placenta

So...we are getting tested for the anibodies one. Doc says it is a small chance, but still a chance that that's what's going on. Good news is...we can do something about that one!!! Now, if they don't find that prognosis to be true, we have just been really REALLY unlucky and there is no explanation for back to back miscarriages. In either case, the recommendation is to go forward with the last FET when we're ready. (either on new meds for antibodies or buisness as usual).

The only other new info is....we were having a girl. That makes me sad to know the sex of the baby. Makes it more real. But it's kind of nice too. I was having a GIRL! I knew I was. :)

And final news...unrelated to babies. We bought a new bed today! It's our birthday gifts to eachother this year! A BLACK SLEIGH BED!!!! Hooray!!!

happy birthday

2009-01-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

30 years ago today, my sweetheart entered the world...and thank God he did! I don't know what life would be like without that man in mine.

Last nite we went out with 10 or so of our best friends to celebrate and had so much fun wishing Jerry and Joe happiness in the next decade of life. 30 is a big milestone and we looking foward to a wonderful beginning to this next chapter.

So in honor of my hubby....here are 10 reasons I love him...(thought about putting 30, but that would be SO LONG!!)

1. He loves me even when I'm unlovable.

2. He makes me laugh every single day.

3. He prays for me and with me every night.

4. He can't sleep without me next to him.

5. He sings constantly, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the garage...always has a song.

6. He's goofy. REALLY goofy. :)

7. He loves kids as much as I do.

8. His family feels like they've always been mine.

9. He loves doing everything together...working out, cooking, cleaning, shopping...he knows everything is more fun if we're together.

10. He makes me want to be more than I am. Makes me better and stronger.

happy birthday, babe!

click click click...ZOOM!!

2009-01-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

So there is so much to catch you up on since my last post. I have pictures and stories galore from Xmas and New Years, but there is somethiing that has to take precident right now.

Last Friday I got a call from the leader of my support group with interesting news....at the pregnancy center she volunteers with, an adoption had become available with a single black mother. Due date? Jan 30th!!! She called to see if we were interested. WHAT!!!!???!

The past several days have been full of questioning, waiting and praying. From what we found out, we decided this was not the baby for us (which is sad for so many reasons, one being the cost was about a 4th of what a regular adoption would cost us.) We found out the mother had not been drinking or doing drugs, but had been smoking the duration of the pregnancy. Mom wanted to abort the baby and her plan was twarted not once, but twice. Dad's in jail. Mom's plan is to leave the baby at the hospital to become a ward of the state. So, so sad.

I have so many things to work out about adoption, but knew what was important to me most.
1.Closed Adoption? check!
2.Affordable for us? check!
3.Baby not in danger from mother's habits? half a check (maybe....mother has not been doing prenatal care and smokes)
4. Are we ready? check (but maybe not 100% ready)
5.Biracial child? NO CHECK....this was a real sticky point for me. if we adopt, I want a biracial baby. Why, you may ask? I feel like there would always be an odd man out if we adopt a white or a black child. If adopted a white child, people would assume joe wasn't the father. If we adopt a black baby, people would assume I'm not the mother. I want our family to look and feel like our family. And this is a baby with both a black mother and a black father.

So while I have a huge heart for this unborn baby, I know it's not the baby we are meant to have. But these past 5 days have been amazing. Just the idea of this being possible has brought me new hope. That phone call from Carol felt like the call saying I was pregnant. I'm so excited that I can feel that way, even without a baby in my belly!!

So now that we have raced down THAT hill on the rollercoaster, we are beginning to click click click back up as another family we know is now considering adopting this child. While this has potential to be wonderful for them, and equal potential to be strange and awkward for me, it would be wonderful for this baby to be in a loving, christian home. I'm not sure how I feel about it all, and I'm not sure how they feel about it all. Not long to decide, so I guess we'll see!

So pray for this un-named baby to be and whoever it is that she ends up with. It's obvious God want this little guy around!

sadness

2008-12-20T21:14:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a breakdown on the way home from a wedding reception. With Christmas just days away, I am sadder and sadder that I'm not expecting the only gift I really want....yep...a baby growing inside me. If my first pregnancy had stuck, I'd be 20 weeks now. If the 2nd one had stuck, I'd be almost 11 weeks. I was SO looking forward to telling my family I was pregnant at Christmas this year. Now I'm sad about seeing my extended family...worried people will ask me about when I'll have kids. Worried about what to say when I'm asked that...IF I'm asked that. Worried that this time next year I'll feel the same. worried that at some point I will have to give up on this, even if I don't want to. Worried that I will always have this pit of pain deep within me. Now, don't get me wrong, most of the time I am very content. I can see the blessings I have, but it's so hard to overlook the one that I don't. I am so afraid of what 2009 holds. Here's hoping that there is another stocking on my mantel next year.

My Mother In Law....knows me too well...This is AWESOME!!!

2008-12-19T14:33:00.001-08:00

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A Week Of Tears

2008-12-18T13:08:00.000-08:00

Tears have become a regular part of my life, but this week was different. Had many different causes, and one that remains...
1. Saturday, 8:00pm
We were staying overnite with our two favorite little guys (the Dill boys) and it was story time right before bed. Connor asked me to read his new book "God Gave Me You." It's about a bear cub asking about when he was born. I was fine until the page that talked about when "we went to hear your heartbeat." Yeah...not great timing there.
2. Saturday 9:00opm
I was reading my chapter in "Little House on the Freeway" for class on Sunday and was recapping the info for Joe. As I talked about worry, hope, and relationships, I realized again what I have and what I still wish for.
3. Wednesday 8:00pm
Our class provided Christmas gifts for a needy family in our congregation. Last night we gave the wrapped packages to the mom and her 3 kiddos. To see those girls so wide-eyed and exicted HAS to bring a tear to your eye!
4. Thursday (today) 7:30am
On the way to work I listen to Kidd Kraddick. It was his annual "Breaking and Entering Christmas" where they break into someone's home and decorate, as well as provide insane amounts of money and gifts. This year it was a single dad with 4 kids under 14. He's an army man, served 7 years overseas, and after his last tour in Iraq came home to 4 kids and no job. He can't interview since he has 2 not of school age and has no way to pay daycare or babysitters. When they told him they were paying for 6 months of daycare and this tough army guy started crying, I almost had to pull over. That's a moving radio bit!
5. Thursday 1:00pm
Now, I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but not really. :) My kids are talking about how they make animated movies this week and we have been looking at drawn, computer and stop action animation. Today we looked at "Polar Express" (incidentally my FAVORITE kids book ever!!). When we got to the part where the boy can't hear the bell and repeats "I Believe" over and over. And then Santa asks him what he said....When he tells Santa, "I believe. I believe. I believe," the tears started streaming. What's really funny is, we were watching it in Spanish! It was a billingual class!

TAGGED

2008-12-16T13:06:00.000-08:00

8 Things
I was tagged by Becky Terlisner, so here goes...

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Cheesecake Factory
2. On the Border
3. Hickory Street Cafe (abilene)

4. Harolds (abilene)

5. Bravo
6. Glorias
7. Chipotle

8. Joe T Garcias

8Things that Happened Today:
1. The garage stopped fully shutting
2. I made my lunch
3. I watched CLAYMATION XMAS 6 times
4. I Dance Dance Revolutioned for 45 minutes
5. I recovered a stolen memory stick
6. I got gas for $1.45
7. Drank hot cocoa with cloves, cinnamon and red hots in it(try that!!!)
8. I wore my favorite red coat with a long scarf and gloves

8 Things I Look Forward To:
1. Having babies....one day soon
2. Christmas with my family
3. Giving Xmas to a needy family (with my friends at church)
4. Driving a minivan permanantly (I love yours, Dills!!)
5. Being completely content with life
6. Friday afternoon at 3:10 when I'm on break!!!
7. Sleeping late
8. turning 30 in 2009!!!

8 Things I'm Scared Of:
1. Never having my own babies
2. being robbed
3. being lonely
4. losing joe
5. losing my job or joe's job
6. losing ANYONE I love
7. Not having retirement money
8. facing another year like 2008

8 Things I Wish For:
1. Babies
2. a bigger home
3. for Joe to get a better paying career (cuz mine will NEVER be better paying)
4. that my brother can find happiness again
5. that my happiness will last
6. good test results from my d and c
7. the economy will turn around
8. matt will cave and concede on the trip to NYC for our 30th bdays!

8 Things I Watch on TV:
1. Pushing Daisies
2. LOST
3. 30 Rock
4. The Office
5. Heroes
6. The Biggest Loser
7. Project Runway
8. Ugly Betty

8 People I TAG:
1. Tanya
2. Taylor
3. Carrie
4. Amy
5. Jamie
6. Andrea
7. Becky H
8. Jaime

a reason to be happy

2008-12-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's been 3 weeks since we found out we were losing baby #2. For many people this would still be the low point of existence. For us though, we have decided to hit the "PAUSE" button on babies, and try to go back to normal life, for the first time in almost a year. And it's been great! In fact, I think I am the happiest I've been since we started testing last January. Here are a few things I have to be thankful for/happy about.
1. Medical Science. It's amazing the things they can do for us now and while it's not benefiting me just yet, it's such a blessing to be able to find out so much and have some options.
2. My family. While we've gone though all of the phases of this journey, our families have been incredible. From Mom and Dad helping us with money and coming at a moments notice, to Dad driving here to get my furniture and take it back to Lubbock to sell, to my in-laws cooking and cleaning for us, we've been well taken care of.
3. Friends. This incompasses so many. Here are a few I need to single out...
a. Hannah Group. This is my support group I've attended since April. These girls have been my heart and soul this year. I'm not sure how I would've survived without the meals, prayers, cards, emails and calls I get from them. For any of you out there who are suffering thru infertility, FIND A SUPPORT GROUP! It's been a huge blessing to me.
b. Amy. We've been though a lot this year and bonded in ways no one will ever be able to understand. I'm thankful to have had her by me in the joys and tears.
c. Carrie. My best friend from high school and I have reunited thru this and talk more often than we have in 10 years. It's been great having her to lean on.
d. Tanya. My bff in training. She has come thru in so many ways and has gladly let me push her aside on more than one occasion. She deals with just as much stress and craziness in her own life, but always manages to make time for me and my stuff.
e. Tracy, Marshon, Lori, Debra, Emily....these ladies at church always ALWAYS ask me how I am and check on me. Weekly I hear from at least one of them, if not more and they always make me feel loved.
f. My work friends. They cry with me and celebrate with me. In fact, I had more tears shed for me on my return to work than I shed myself.
g. Melanie. Even though she is giddy and proud of her new bundle of joy, she mourns with me and always has a kind word and prayer to offer me. It's almost like her new baby reminds her that I still don't have one.
4. The future. I have so much to look forward to. We are trying to plan an incredible trip just Joe and I think Spring, before we start round 3. I am almost 30 and am looking forward to a great next chapter in my life. It's Christmas, WHICH I LOVE!!! And I have hope in a God who wants to give me a hope and a future! And I can't wait to find out what that will be!
5. And lastly, and most of all, I am thankful and happy about my husband. I am so deeply in love with him and coming out of a hard, rough year, I know we are stronger than we were before we started. And I know that many marriages would not have survived.

There are lots of other things, but I'm rambling already. Basically, I think John Lennon had it right. "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." And I don't want life to pass by with me worrying about babies. So I choose happiness. I choose to live with joy.

A Thanksgiving to Remember

2008-11-27T07:07:00.000-08:00

This morning my alarm clock went off at 8:55. Why, you ask? The Macy's Parade starts at 9:00! I had no idea I would be this is excited to see it again, but I AM!! In honor of what will forever be known as "the best Thanksgiving EVER," I want to take a look back at last year.

Thanksgiving 2007-NYC

At 5am Joe and I arrived at a building directly across from Macy's, some hotel. There were lines wrapped around the corners leading into the hotel, so we found the clown line and jumped in. Luckily, this was one of those glorious fall days in New York. The previous 3 days had been cold and rainy, but not today. Clear and eventually up into the low 70s, as I recall. Once our IDs had been checked, we were shuffled into wardrobe. We donned our giant,multilayered cowboy clown costumes, and were whisked off to wardrobe. We entered a giant ballroom full of makeup tables, maybe 150 or so. A man with a microphone announces "We need a cowboy clown!" An artists stands up, and off I go. I get my mustache, red nose, etc. Then back to wardrobe to frantically look for my hubby and grab my oversized yellow hat. We rush down some stairs and onto one of several charter buses. And off we go to Central Park West. We're dropped off and pointed in the right direction. Now we are just to find our appointed corner and wait to join the parade.

So we walk down to the corner of Broadway and 82nd, passing Kermit, Mr. Potato Head and Shrek on the way. We were close enough to touch those giant balloons, still roped down in the street! Once at our corner, we spend the next 3 hours in a constant goofy grin. It was, without a doubt, the coolest thing I have ever gotten to be a part of. We saw celebrities mere feet from us (Neo, Ashley Tisdale, BIG BIRD!!!, Dolly Parton (scarier in real life), and so many more. We wandered around and saw all the floats, clowns, and balloons.

Then the fun begins! The announcer comes on and he and Matt Lauer give everyone a pep talk. "Let's make the best parade ever!" Then, as the parade starts, the announcer invites the next group to "join the parade!!!" We were in the last 15 minutes of the show, so we literally watched the whole parade pass right in front of us!! I touched Shrek's foot when he came by, cuz I was in the street!!!! When we were finally invited to join the parade, we yelled and "yahooed!" and ran down into Columbus Circle. The next hour was a blur of insane fun. Millions of people smiling, waving and taking your picture. Kids hug you as you come by, parents grab you to take a picture. I'm someone's holiday memory from last year!! You look up at the tall buildings and see faces pressed against EVERY window. And walking down the middle of Broadway, especially through Time Square is an experience all it's own. Every once in a while, we'd stop and have a bar brawl or do the cotton eyed Joe. But mostly we just laughed and waved and threw confetti. We even made it onto TV!

Being a part of such a huge event was such a huge blessing to us. It has been something we look back on and smile quite often. What a difference a year makes. Gives me hope that next year will be just as different from where I stand today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

one week down

2008-11-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

Today was a day I was dreading...going to church the first time since the news. I made up my mind I was going to hold it together, not cry. Too many people don't even know I was ever pregnant. So we sat down and I had a few people come hug me. I kept my mouth shut, knowing if I opened it, I would start crying. So far so good. Right before service started, my little boyfriend Mac(3) and his brother Conner(5) came running down our pew to us. **They have attempted sitting with us before, but never made it thru a whole service. Well today, Mac made it through. (conner...no...) Mac sat with me, folded his hands during prayers, stood when we sang. All of it. I was impressed. I felt like a mom those few moments and was happy to have my little munchkin to watch over. About 20 mins in, he told Joe he needed to go to the bathroom. Joe suggested he go tell his mom so she could take him. He said, "No Joe! I want Rachel to go with me!" So I did. That really makes you feel like a mom to take a kid out in the middle of church. When we came back in, it was time to go put money in the jar at the front (Coins for Christ, where the kids make their "donations"). I gave Mac a dollar and off he went. I sat back down in time to see him barrelling down the aisle, away from mom, and back to Rachel. We coerced him to go with her to BIG, but it was that breif few moments of pseudo-motherhood that was going to make this day bearable for me. I stood without singing during the invitation, konwing fullwell I would lose it after being preached to about faithfulness.
After church, I had a heart to heart with a fellow infertility sufferer and then wandered into class sniffling and teary. We said nothing during prayer requests. But my sweet, sweet friend Emily broke down in the middle of class, desperate to pray for us. So we stopped everything, were surrounded and prayed for.
The rest of the day was easier. Conner sat with me at lunch, while Mac and mom and dad were at another table. (More mothering for me). And tonight, Conner sat with us at evening services. Those boys go through spells where they love us, and thank God they did today. It was somethign I really needed. So thanks, Dills, for sharing your kids with us. We love them so much and cant wait to spend an overnight babysitting adventure with them soon.
We were singing tonight a youth group song really made my heart beat. It is something I've sung a million times, but never meant to me what it did tonight.
Lord, Reign in Me
Reign in your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord of all I am
So won't you reign in me again....
YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN ANY EARTHLY THING
So won't you reign in me again

rock bottom

2008-11-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

This year has been hard. In fact, the hardest I've ever had. Good ridance 2008. Farewell 29th year. And as of yesterday, so long 3rd year of marriage. that's right, Joe and I have been married for 3 years as of yesterday. Who knew at our 2nd fabulous NYC anniversary, we would be at such a low point today? Everytime something hard has come our way this year, we feel like we've hit bottom, but sadly, each next blow knocks us even deeper. I have to believe that if we haven't hit bottom yet, we can't be far from it.
I have been back and forth with my doctor this week and finally have made some tough choices about this pregnancy and future possibilities. It's not something I want to face or am ready to deal with, but....one day at a time, right?
My friend Kara came to see me the other day and brought me a book of short devotional thoughts. Her instructions? Read one every night and feel the peace and plan God is trying to give to me.
I opened it at random last night and this is what it said:
DIVINE POSSIBILITIES
God does not ask you to do things that are humanly possible. He does not fill your heart with goals that you could easily achiever on your own.
Rather, God gives you dreams that are far bigger and more wonderful than you could ever aspire to, dreams that can only be accomplished if he is actively involved in your life.
Why? Because God want you to know that the good that happens to you is from him- so that you will rely on him.
He is bringing the hopes that burn in you into being. So tonight trust him to make all those impossible dream come true.
"With God, all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

devastation

2008-11-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

We kept it quiet...but I found out I was pregnant from cycle two on November 2nd. Last week I started spotting a little. Had a sonogram to hear the baby's heart today...and there's no baby there. Just an empty placenta.
I am so devastated. I am so scared that I will never have a baby now. We need prayers so badly. This year has been agonizing and just when we have a ray of sunshine, the darkness rolls in again. Pray hard for us.

Success!!!

2008-11-15T20:00:00.002-08:00

There are only a few things left....
COFFEE TABLE
BUCKETS
RAINBOW CHAIR
PAISLEY CHAIR

Any takers??

at long last

2008-11-13T12:58:00.001-08:00

At long last it is time for the craft fair!!! I have been working on furniture for about 4 months now and am finally finished and ready to sell. If you live in Lubbock, come by Monterrey Church of Christ on Saturday and check it out!

Giraffe dresser for future baby varneys

giraffe rocker for baby room (couldnt part with those two peices...someday there will be a baby for them!)

Zebra teacher chair

Kids table and chair set

paisley teacher chair

personal favorite....RAINBOW teacher chair

Black and White end table

leopard side tables

coffee table

console table

zebra lamp

red raider lamp

leopard lamp

buckets

mirror

Brace yourself

2008-11-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

On November 4th we elected a new president. Regardless of your view, Republican or Democrat, it was a day to be remembered. I haven’t spoken much about my views for this election, due mostly to the fact that I don’t follow politics much. But I also choose to stay quiet because I live in a red state where most people begrudge the fact that I have a different viewpoint.
But in light of what is being said on tv and radio, and sadly, amongst our Christian brothers and sisters, I feel like I need to voice it now. I read Allison’s blog earlier about standing together for change in our country and communities, embracing the fact that we live in a country where we get to CHOOSE our leaders and keep them from absolute power. That’s a great thing, and something to be proud of.
I have had a significant interest in Barak Obama for a good while now. I really believe he’s a good man, a good father and husband, and that he wants what’s best for our country. What he sees as best may not be what you do. And at times, what he votes for and stands for are not what I think is best either. But since when can you please everyone all the time? And…is there anyone besides yourself you can agree with always? I mean, we chose our husbands, but we don’t always see eye to eye with them either!
While I can’t argue with you Newsweek reading republicans who know all the ins and outs of every vote and issue, I can tell you why I am proud that America has voted OBAMA and why I was among those who did.
1. He stands for change. I have no problems with McCain. I think he is a good man and God bless him for what he has done in service to our country. But we have spent 8 years with a president who has been less than great, and while McCain supported him most of the time, Obama did not. He is ready to make a change. Change for the good? We hope so. Change is scary. No one likes it. Most of us would rather go on living our lives with no twists and turns. But it’s time. Our country is low right now and we need someone to lift us up.
2. He’s inspired a new generation to vote and care about its leadership. I’m always shocked when people don’t vote. I know we live in a red state that will never be blue, but how awesome is it that I have a say in who the most powerful person in the world will be? Every time I hear Obama speak, I am on the edge of my seat. He’s a powerful speaker and knows what he’s talking about. He has definite ideas and goals. He’s decisive. I could hear him talk about dirt and still applaud his fervor.
3. Race. Some will admit it’s an issue. Some won’t. But it is. And for me, if I’m really honest, it was one of the biggest reasons I voted for him. As Jeremy said on election night, “Yeah, you love black men. We get it.” (that I do…my cute husband in particular). But here’s the reason having a black president is so huge in my life.
a. I work in a school with mostly minority children. They have hard lives. Parents who don’t want them or can’t take care of them. No money. No food. No shoes sometimes. Their view of America is very different from mine. They see it as a place where white people make the rules and we have to try and find a way to live within them. They can’t see how they will ever be better than what they are now. It is such an amazing gift to them to be able to see the highest office in the land being held by a man of color. They are so excited. It’s one thing they can rally behind and their families can be proud of for once.
b. It DOES affect my family. Joe and I sat and talked as Obama gave his speech on Tuesday about how our children will live in a country where there is no question “can I be president when I grow up?” The answer will be yes undoubtedly. They will never know a time without a black president. I’m so proud to be able to say that years from now when my kids ask me about that night in history, I can tell them I was thinking of them.
Now, sadly, some of you are going to think less of me since I voted Obama this year. I’m sorry we disagree. But I won’t apologize for exercising my right to vote. I’m proud to live in a country where we now have a black president. Let’s pray for him and that he is able to do wonderful things for our country these next 4 years.

Mr.President

2008-11-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

waiting

2008-10-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight at group we talked about waiting. Again, with my hormones amuck, I had a crying evening. We listened to part of a sermon by Rick Atchley. He talked about this need to hurry and how we are an instant gratification society. Which line is the shortest, why is this guy driving so slow, where is that pizza, it's late! We want things how we want them, when we want them. I am completely guilty of that. I come home and see this on Taylor's blog:
"God has not run out of wonders where we are concerned, Beloved. We have not seen the last great work of God in our lives. You and I will never move to the next level with God if we're scared half to death of what awaits us. On this mysterious pilgrimage we will find that when we do meet difficulties and sorrows, they were not meant to stop us but to form the character required for our great harvest in the coming season. Step into your future, Precious One. Something wonderful awaits you." (Stepping Up by Beth Moore)
It spoke volumes. I can't allow myself to start doubting God. As the girls in group constantly remind me, God doesn't want me to be in this situation. He is allowing it for a time, and for a purpose. So now how do I move to the "next level" as Beth Moore says? Take it a day at a time I guess. So tomorrow is day one. With everything I do, I am going to ask God, "how can I glorify you right now?" If I can try as hard to praise him, as I do worrying about me for one whole day, maybe I can do it for 2. Or 3. Or more. And hopefully, not only will it take me one step closer to God, but one step closer to the happiness and peace I've lost.
Thanks Taylor. And thanks Hannah girls.

Jesus Calms the Storm

2008-10-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight Randy was preaching about peace. He told the story about Jesus calming the storm and how peace is something Jesus attained from his hours of prayer and "me time" with the father. We've heard it before: No Jesus. No Peace. Know Jesus. Know Peace. So how come peace is so elusive right now?

Jesus Calms the Storm
23Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. 24Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"
26He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.
27The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

In so many ways, this is my life right now. I KNOW Jesus. He's in my boat for Pete's sake!?!! But there is this massive storm swirling around me and my mind is completely wrapped up in how I am going to manage to survive it. I look to my friends, but they are all worried about how THEY will make it through the storm they are facing also. I'm crying out to God (just as I imagine the disciples would...) " Jesus!?!?! Where is he? He can stop this, or at least protect me from it! JESUS!!!!" But where is Jesus? Asleep. I've said before I felt that God was being silent in my life. Then he began speaking, and for several weeks, I felt him closeby again. But today, right now, in the storm, I look around and find Jesus sleeping. Not fighting the storm. Not quieting the winds.
So here I am. Screaming in the wind and rain. Scared of what's crashing in on top of me and being as loud as I can to wake up the Lord, so he'll calm it all. Sometimes he lets the strom rage and quiets his children. If that's on the horizon, I'll take it! But for right now all I see is wind and rain and feel my heart racing harder and harder.
How do you push the fear and hurt aside to make room for the peace and patience?

I LOVE YOUR BLOG

2008-10-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

Well...this reminds me of myspace and email forwards, but why not? not very often you get nominated for a blog award, right?

Answer in one word? hmmmm....

1. Where is your cell phone? couch

2. Where is your significant other? Penson

3. Your haircolor? streaks

4. Your mother? vacation

5. Your father? same

6. Your favorite thing? chocolate

7. Your dream last night? babies

8. Your dream/goal? babies

9. The room you're in? living

10. Your hobby? painting

11. Your fear? infertile

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? kindergarten

13. Where were you last night? Melanie's

14. What you're not? pregnant :(

15. One of your wish-list items? wii

16. Where you grew up? Lubbock

17. The last thing you did? cooked

18. What are you wearing? clothes

19. Your TV? sony

20. Your pet? none

21. Your computer? laptop

22. Your mood? eager

23. Missing someone? carrie

24. Your car? RAV!!!

25. Something you're not wearing? hat

26. Favorite store? Maurices

27. Your summer? tedious

28. Love someone? Joey

29. Your favorite color? Red

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. When is the last time you cried? Today

Big weekend for me!

2008-10-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

My weekend was so fantastic! I went out with Amy and Audrey on Friday and sat talking for hours at Red Robin. On Saturday I went to see the COLOR PURPLE musical with my inlaws and my hubby (can't beat a good musical!) But Sunday was the big day. 2 HUGE events!
First of all, my old roommate, maid of honor at my wedding, Melanie had her baby! Here are a couple of pics of me and Joe with Grady Cole Henderson.

And the 3 hours I've waited for since 5th grade...

NKOTB REUNION TOUR!!!!

I saw NKOTB when I was 11 with my Mom. It was the highlight of my young life, as I ADORED these boys. So when I found out they were not only back together, but touring?!?!? Oh my!!! I MUST BE THERE! So I went with 4 other girlfriends to the event of the year...to see those heart-throbs from the late 80's, known as NKOTB!

The concert was awesome! They did all their old hits, even the old dances. We screamed, we sang, we danced. It was such a blast! So here's a few of my favorite pics from this amazing night... Big Finale??? Hangin' Tough, of course!!!

"I'll Be Lovin' You Forever"...I WILL be lovin you boys forever. :)

Oh to be on that floor right now. I think Amanda would have hyperventilated and dropped like a rock.

"Please Don't Go Girl" Joey really doesn't want me to go. Look! He's on his knees for goodness sake!

Look how they point to us and we point to them. Awww. (No we are not on the front row. Nowhere close to that).

Yeah...you know it. We're hangin tough

my boys then and now...time has been good, eh?

And now...and ode to each member. Why I love them and why they are now and forever my favorite boy band...

Jordan Knight. You still can hit those insane high notes. How do you do it? And how does your body look like that when you are easily 10 or more years older than me?!?! I remember my first boyfriend asking me out on a note...left on my Jordan doll. (Yeah, I had one...complete with the rat-tail hair.) The highlight of the night was the "Didn't I Blow Your Mind" with your open shirt flapping in the wind. Classic.

Jonathan Knight. You may be Jordan's brother. You may be the strong, silent type. You may even have anxiety issues that casue you never to be in the spotlight or soloing. But I love you none the less. You can still dance like you could 15 years ago. To that, I tip my hat. Ah...Joey McIntyre. You were my favorite. Sure, I loved Jordan. (Who didn't). But I secretly believed I could marry you since you were the youngest. Instead, I found my own singin Joey. :) You sounded amazing last night and I'm pulling for a Joey solo career! Oh! And thanks for singing "Please Don't Go Girl" just for me. Danny Wood. Let's face it, you never were the looker of the group. But you do have amazing biceps now. And come to think of it, you always were the muscle man of the group. Rock on, man.
Donnie Wahlberg. You're a Wahlberg. What more needs to be said? In the words of Amy last night, "that momma made some pretty fine boys."

Who was your favorite Kid? Or weren't you a blockhead too?

things are looking up

2008-10-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

So my friend Jamie does this thing called THE HAPPY LIST. She keeps track of things that are funny, amusing, or just smile worthy and jots them in a journal she carries in her purse. She's done this since high school and it's really fun to go back and read them. In a mere 4 or 5 words, we can remember an entire evening of hillarity from college.

My mom has been suggesting that I start writing down 3 things that make me happy every day. Just to keep in perspective how good my life really is. So in that spirit...here are a few things I've found to be happy about this week.

1. Gas keeps getting cheaper! I found it for $2.59 today!

2. Kids who talk like grown-ups. Here was an exchange today:

Me: How do we find the middle of the oval? (We're drawing faces)

Ricardo: I'm going to use one of my strategies to solve this problem.

Me: What?!!?

Ricardo: You know, a strategy? I'm gonna use one from first grade. If I use my fingers I can find the middle fast.

3. The state fair! I LOVE fried stuff with cheese! :) We tried chicken fried bacon. Not all that. But we DID see a bunch of great stuff, including a zebra, a camel, and a giraffe!

4. The circus! On Wednesday Joe and I went to the Shrine Circus with our new friends James and Kristen. It was AWESOME! How come we don't go to the circus as adults? It's incredible! The contortionists? The tight rope walkers? The motorcycle steel cage? It's fantastic! And spending some quality time with new friends is always enjoyable too!

5. Painting. I'm still painting more furniture. And I LOVE IT!!! It's therepuetic to me. Wish I had enough time to work on it every day.

6. Things to look forward to this weekend. Two MAJOR ones.....going to see the Color Purple Musical with my husband and his parents tomorrow. And...the big day has finally arrived....a day I have waited for for months now....NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK! I'm going with 4 girlfriends to see them in concert in Dallas on Sunday night! Whoohoo!!!! Look for a post about THAT on Monday!

okay...this one IS sad

2008-10-11T06:06:00.001-07:00

I'm at a real low point this week. I can't seem to be happy about anything. I know you've been there...everything seems wrong...work, friends, home, everything. That's where I am right now. And the fact that I'm on hormone medication is making it worse (I think). I'm on a higher dosage than I was on cycle one and I find myself crying ALL THE TIME. Really! I've been awake for 15 minutes and already have cried.
So just a rundown of why my life is making me crazy right now....
1. School bites. The kids are so difficult this year. To the point that I am doing kindergarten lessons with second grade due to the fact that they can't listen or act like they've been in my class for 2 years already. I've had about 15 kids pee in my room and one poop. (YEP! On the floor...and he was a 1st grader!!!) Teachers are on edge with so much work and their own discipline problems. It's been a really rough start.
2. Baby stuff (of course). My friend Jamie and I were going to plan a pledge class reunion this year (10 years since we pledged GATA), but we kinda dropped the ball. Jamie sent an email finding out if anyone was still planning to go and now the replies are coming in. So many are not coming because they "just had a baby" or "are due any day now" or have stuff with their kids already on the calendar that weekend. So everytime I read one of those I cry again. How come everyone else has a family? How come everyone else is havign their first babies right now? Why not me? I also got upset at work as I found out a drug addicted set of parents (whose kids are MAJOR discipline issues at school) are preg with #6. Mom says they are stopping at 6 since the government doesn't pay after that one. How can this go on? How can I still have an empty womb when there are druggies funding their addictions with their ability to concieve?!?!? It's TERRIBLEY unfair! I'm just at the bottom of the pit again on all this baby stuff...
3. Friends. I'm starting to realize that I don't have many. Not close ones anyways. My best friend (amy) is getting close to girls in Granbury now (which we knew would happen eventually) and I am so scared of what that means for me. We never go out with anyone except the Tindells, unless we do the asking. So mostly it's just me and Joe. What's a girl to do? I felt this way when I first got married too. I had left my church and placed membership at Joe's church. I knew everyone, but no one well. Then Amy came along and we clicked right away. So...I don't know what to do from here. Maybe we kind of segregated ourselves when we got so tight with the Tindells. I just feel really alone in general.

Was this all too much? Probably. Blogs are for venting tho, right? Got some advice? Got some wise words? Leave me a comment. That's actually another thing that makes me sad. I check my blog for comments and have one person say anything. (thanks Carrie!) I'm horrible at commenting too. But comments are what lets us know someone out there cares. right?

That's so sad...

2008-10-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

Last night Joe and I did something I love to do...PAINT! We moved all the furniture out of our guest room and painted it the color I want for the future nursery. "That is so sad....that poor girl is painting a baby room and has no baby!" I don't see it that way at all. :) I see it as having complete faith that the baby is coming! I'm just getting ready to bring him/her into this house! As I was looking at the new green room before bed, I was picturing where the crib (or cribs) will go. Where will that dresser I painted sit? Where is my rocking chair going to be? I imagined rocking my sweet baby and groggily feeding him/her at 2am. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of what I will get to experience in this room. (needless to say, my current cycle is going well....slow...but good.)
So as I was having these daydreams about my future, I spotted something on the floor. A penny. My granny (mom's mom) was known for finding pennies. She found them everywhere she went. Or so I've been told. She died when I was 7. Every time we find a penny, my mom says something about Granny must be watching us. It's funny how we always find them at special times...birthday parties, graduations, my wedding. It was nice to see that Granny is here as I am getting ready to be a mommy. I've thought a lot about Granny the past week or so. When she died I didn't really know how to deal with it. Then one day it just hit me and I fell apart. Dad said he thought that's how I was handling our miscarriage too. Accept it, and let the weight of it hit you later on. I've missed not having my Granny. I missed getting to introduce her to my fiance or take pictures with her in my wedding dress. I missed that hug when I came off the stage at high school and college graduations. And I will miss her when I have her great-grandbaby in my arms. It's nice to think that maybe she is holding the one we lost right now tho. I thought a lot last night about what my relationship would be with her if she was still here. Would we be close? Would I call her like I call mom, just to talk and catch her up? I like to think so. I like to think that she would've been another best friend of mine. Losing grandparents so early makes it hard. (I lost 3 of my 4 by age 10).
So...this post is kind of sad, but not really. :) I'm happy to anticipate pregnancy and I'm happy to imagine what Granny would be doing if she were here.

ideas....

2008-10-02T14:51:00.000-07:00

I am working on my furniture painting almost every day now. I have the coffee table finished (and not how I started it at all!!), the console table, an end table and a drawered table all done. YAHOO!!! I am about to start on my kids' table and chairs set. I'm not sure what to do with it. Joe says just paint it in primary colors, but I want to make it something unique. I am thinking that it needs to have a theme, maybe from a book?!? What ideas do you have? Gals with kids, what would be cute for a little coloring/playdough work table for your kids? Right now I'm thinking Dr.Seuss. Maybe "Cat in the Hat?" I also like "Green Eggs and Ham." Give me some advice! I want to draw it off this weekend so I can start painting on Monday!!

FIREPROOF

2008-09-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

You need to see this movie. I heard Kirk Cameron speak about 5 years ago at an evangelism conference and it changed me. He was so inspiring and passionate about his faith. It was impressive.

I went to see FIREPROOF with my inlaws and some of their couple friends today. No Joe. Just me. If you dont know (like I didn't when I entered the theatre), this is the story of a couple whose marriage is falling apart. FAST. Neither are making it work and both are ready to quit. Through a series of events, the hard-headed husband (Kirk Cameron) is persuaded by Dad to take the "Love Dare" for 40 days. Every day there is something new to do to try and salvage his marriage. Through the story, not only does he find God and faith, but he realizes how much he really does love his wife and wants her to stay with him.

Now being a movie lover, I have to say that the dialogue/acting was like something out of A Walk to Remember or some other such cheesy feel good story. But the story is just so wonderful. So relevant. I ended up loving it! I found myself crying at several points in the story because I felt so emotionally connected. It was so great to see a sold out theater watching people talk openly about God and what he can do in your life!

At one point I found myself teary listening to the words of a song. Its at a point where Kirk's character is waiting on God to move, well into his 40 day "dare." The words fit any point where you find yourself in a trial you have to wait out. Any time that you are doing what you can, but waiting on God to swoop in. Here's what I remember from the lyrics. Sorry, I don't know who sings it...

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

It talks about being peaceful and faithful as you wait on God. Great song.

Anyhow...this movie made me appreciate my wonderful husband and the sweet way he always does things for me. Several moments in the movie, Kirk Cameron is trying things to show he cares that my boy does almost on a daily basis. He always calls to see if I need something on his way home from work. He calls me just to say hi and that he loves me. He buys me flowers for no reason. And he genuinely loves to do things to make me smile. In fact, just tonight our plans kind of went by the wayside and Joe was so excited to take me to my favorite store and buy me a new jacket (my fashion weakness). I told him over and over I didn't need it. We need to save that money. But he insisted. He wanted to "keep me looking pretty (wink)."

I'm so blessed to not be facing this particular trial in my life. I have a husband who loves me so much and so unconditionally. And I try to tell him and show him everyday that I would marry him all over again, and that he is not only my husband, but my very best friend. He was for years before I fell in love with him and I thank God for allowing me to spend my life with him.

So...see this movie.

5 Questions

2008-09-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Did you ever see Craig Kilborn on the Late Late Late Show? Or on what is now the Jon Stewart Show (it used to be hosted by Craig Kilborn?) He has this thing where his interviews only consist of 5 questions. It keeps it short and with strategic questions, you can get some good info and (hopefully for him) a few laughs too.
Mom and I were talking last week about a 5 Questions class that she has done on Wednesday nights with ladies before. It's been rolling in my brain for the past 5 days and I thought it would be good to do here. The idea is that you get a panel of 3 ladies who have all faced a similar struggle (cancer, divorce, alcholoism, etc.) and have them answer the same 5 questions about how it affected them. The hope is that it will inform people better about what it is like to stand in these people's shoes and what they can do to help in those times. It also lets women get to know eachother in a way they may not be able to day to day.
Through my months of infertility I've had a lot of ups and downs (more downs I'm sad to say.) And now through miscarriage I have yet another story to tell. So I'm going to take a crack at this. I hope it's enlightening!
1. In a couple of sentences, tell us why you qualify for this topic. (miscarriage)
I got pregnant after a year and a half and some fertility procedures. I only stayed pregnant 8 days past when I had my first pregnancy test. I miscarried on Sept 7, 2008.
2. What are some things that people said or did that made it easier?
I had several women at church hug and cry with me. Knowing people were sad for me was nice. My friends at work all check on me daily and make sure I really am as okay as I try to let on. We were with Amy and Brian when I physically miscarried and it was good to be with friends then, even tho I didn't feel like I needed people with me. It wasn't a meltdown, devastating moment. I knew it was coming. I got a really sweet card from my Aunt Jackie in Lubbock. And the ladies at Hannah Group have been really great to spend time with us, helping Amy and I think through what has happened to us.
3. What did people do that hurt?
Mostly what hurts is when people do nothing or act like it's part of the process. "I thought it was wierd that it worked the first time. Doesn't IVF usually take a couple of tries usually?" I know that sounds wierd because that has been my general outlook on it too. I have looked at it as a failed IVF cycle and not a death of my first child. I'm putting people between a rock and a hard place. I want people to be worried about me and ask me how we're doing and be as sad as they were happy when the news was good. But I also tell them I'm fine and we're moving on to the next step. Of course they leave me alone about it then! I guess it is starting to catch up to me that I should be having a sonogram this week to hear a heartbeat. I should be finding out if there are twins growing in me. But there is nothing there. The baby that was once growing in me is with God now. I understand that people don't know what to say to me.
4. What do you wish people would have done differently or said differently?
I wish more people would say something. I expected more cards. More calls. More emails. And there just weren't many at all. Lots of people did exactly what I needed...gave me a hug and told us they love us. That's been the best thing anyone has done. It's nice to know that people know, care, and will let me know that. It was hard to go through this while Amy was too. Her grief was so much more than mine and so the floodgate flowed to her from lots of people. Even from me, I directed all emotion to concern for her. I wish I could have recieved more of the outpouring. I'll remember that next time I hear someone else has miscarried. I know I have had friends experience that and done nothing also. But going through it makes me so much more aware of what it really means.
5. How has this strengthened your relationship with God?
Especially in the past week, I have been talking to God a lot about that baby. Was it a he or a she? Are they okay? Is Jesus rocking them to sleep every night? Have they found baby Tindell and started causing a ruckus up there? At Hannah Group last week they were talking to us about our babies being in Heaven and it was a thought I hadn't really had yet. I hadn't thought about my baby being "dead." I was still thinking "the embryo didn't stick." But now, I have really found a lot of comfort in the fact that God has my little one. A friend at group gave Amy and I a song called "Glory Baby." At first I didn't think it really applied to me. After all , this doesn't feel like a loss or a miscarriage. But it is. And now I feel that. This song is speaking to getting to see our lost children someday in Heaven and finally getting to hold them. After listening to that song about 12 times in my car, I listened to praise music. And found myself unable to sing along without crying. (not good when you are driving.) I find myself very connected in praise right now to God. My emotions are completely wrapped up in it. I like feeling close to him again and I love that praise is where I find myself closest. Right now I'm not feeling excited or hopeful, nor worried and scared about the next round of IVF. I think I'm in a state of normalcy for the first time in a while and completely content to be with my husband, resting in God's hand.

The Tracks of my Tears

2008-09-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Back in April, my mother in law had a prayer session for me with women from church. My best friend Amy gave me two things that have become a mainstay of everyday life for me. One is the Willow Tree set of prayer partners. It's two brunette girls, holding hands in prayer. Ironically, one has longer hair and one has shorter...just like me and Amy. It sits on my nightstand and I look at it every night and every morning. It reminds me of the friend who prays for my future as I pray for hers.

The other gift she gave me hides away in the depths of my purse most days. But I know it's there. I see it when I dig for my keys. It gets caught in the zipper and shoved into the corners, but it's always there when I need it. It's a hankerchief. I've never had one before, but Amy gave it to me for this reason: it's to catch all the tears I will cry in this process...both happy AND sad. And it has done that well. I've cried over friends finding out they are pregnant while I am not. I've used it through 2 baby dedications. I've used it when I found I was going to have a baby at last! And I used it again when I found out I wouldn't stay pregnant for long. Amy has even held it as she's cried through her hurts these past few weeks. It has been in my hand through all the love and heartache. So when Joe told me I needed to wash it and people tried to throw it away as a dirty tissue this past week, I had a hard time letting go of it. It holds all my tears. It reminds me that God is catching every single tear I cry and holding it in his hand. How can throw away or wash away that reminder?

But then I started thinking about an activity we did with the campers at Kadesh one year. They had these sheets that were all marked up with the pain and fear they had about themselves. They wore them all week. The last morning, we took them out to a field of crosses and their sheets were all gleaming white, nailed to a cross. It was a great visual of God taking away the pain, the fear, the heartaches. It occured to me I could do that with this hankerchief. It could be a release and way to let go of what's happened these past few months. So I gently hand washed my hanky and smiled as I looked at it's new appearance. Those tears I've shed are no longer there.

ode to Tanya

2008-09-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

With all of my treatments, I have had so much to tell you about that single aspect of my life and have left out so much of what else goes on! I thought it was about time I paid tribute to a little lady who has been waiting there in the wings for me every moment of the past 9 months.
TANYA WILSON!!!
Tanya and I have been friends for several years now, as our husbands were roommates when we were dating them. In fact, I saw Tanya's engagement ring on the day Jake bought it. I joke with Tanya about being my back-up best friend, but she really has been working hard to fill that roll. From sitting with me in the bathroom while I cried one Sunday back in January to letting me ditch my plans with her multiple time last week, she never complains and always shows up when I need her. Tanya was with me the night before my pregnancy test. Tanya was with me while I was hooked up to IVs when I got dehydrated. Tanya was there when I got the call that I may lose the baby. And Tanya was ready to run away with us later that week, but was even more ready to let me cancel mere minutes before we were to leave.
For those of you who don't know Tanya, there is something more you should know. She has so much on her plate, so much to whine about and so much to be down about, but she always makes time for her friends. She always can put someone else before herself and I admire that so much about her. She is only 23 and has had to parent her parents for way too long. Now she carries a full work schedule on top of a full school schedule containing multiple art courses (which take at least 5 times as much time as other course studies.)
She is an amazing girl, and while she feels she can never catch up or compete to be my BFF, she is so dear to me and always will be. We are in such different places in life that I know we may never be tied at the hip, but I love the effort she puts into me and aspire to do the same for her.
Love you Tanya!!!

hi ho! hi ho! its off to the doctor we go!

2008-09-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

We went for our followup to failed fresh cycle appointment today. Wow. That was a mouthful! Dr. Kevin went through our chart with us and told us repeatedly how great we did. He said I produced great eggs. He said usually not all of them are good quality, but ALL of mine were mature and good. Then Joe didn't have to have surgery (YAY!!!) Usually 60% of eggs are successfully fertilized. ALL of ours were successful. He said that is very unusual. Then to add to the unusualness...they all grew! He said that again, only 60% usually mature. While not all of ours did good enough to freeze, he said we got so many! He said our 2 that we implanted were pretty good quality but we have even better ones frozen. (Why didn't they implant those? Well, they got to grow a few more days, so they got better over those days.) He explained that my pregnancy was biochemical, which I thought meant the baby never fully attached. He said it DID attach and started growing, but then stopped. For reasons we may never know. He said it was nothing I did or took that caused it, probably a problem in the embryo itself. Hmmmm. One of those things I'll have to ask God about later.

So Dr. Kevin is very optimistic about this round. It's cheaper, it's faster, and it's easier on my body. WHOO HOO!!!! So all the paperwork is done. All the money is paid. We are scheduled to start!!! Yay!!!!

Now the predicament I'm in. I LOVE BLOGGING ABOUT THIS!!!! But I don't want to publicly miscarry again. I don't want to go through the possible downs with everyone I know. I want so much to tell you everything, but I know there's a reason people don't tell everyone they are pregnant for several weeks. What do I do? Can I really keep my mouth shut about everything? (of course I can't!) I'm going to attempt to just keep this between our families and close friends, but I know i will cave here and there. All this to say, I want you to pray with us. I want you jump up and down screaming when I have babies in my tummy that are actually growing! so please email me. call me. Check in on me. But don't look for big news here. At least not for a while. I will email those of you who comment often and I know need an update. And I will self blog on WORD and save highlights for when I'm done and telling everyone! Deal?

So look for something other than embryos on my blog the next few weeks/months. What else is ther to talk about???

And we wait...

2008-09-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Since last Wedesday I have been back to the doctor twice, on the phone with them 4 times, and scheduled for at least 2 more appointments in the next 7 days! Whew! We decided to start our frozen transfer process as soon as possible. Which is now! I have been on my birth control pills since Sunday and they are taking blood to make sure my hcg levels are dropping back to zero. I am having a consult with the doctor on Thursday to get our timeline and costs nailed down. I am really excited!!! I feel good about this one!!!
This weekend was a little tough for several reasons. Amy found out her hcg level is also very low and so now we wait to find out the fate of her little one. Right now we are waiting on her test results...Due to that new revelation, we spent the weekend in granbury with her and Brian, just trying to help them take their minds off of things. Sunday was hard for a couple of reasons. #1. I bled out what was once my baby. It wasn't tramatic, but just surreal that it was actually the beginning of a little life. It made me sad, but also amazed at God's work. Then we went to church and there was a baby dedication. Awesome. Amy held my hand and cried, but I actually fought through without crying. Whoohoo!
Monday I went to take pregnancy test number 4. It was positive. Still. my hcg number is at 9, so we are waiting to get back to zero. Moving slowly. Another blood test next Monday, and a meeting with the doc on Thursday. Hopefully we will have two more embryos trying to become babies soon! Keep praying for us!

2 parter

2008-09-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

I wrote a blog the other day detailing the glorious news that we were pregnant. I never posted it. I've debated whether I should or not, but it was such an amazing day, I feel like I need to. Before I do that tho, I wanted to tell you all about what has happened since. How we went from pregnant and telling the world to crushed, crying and curled up in bed.
Monday
I went in for my 2nd blood test at 7:30. Yes, it was Labor Day, but I wanted to hear what was going on in my body and have an idea of how many little babies there were. At 1pm 9 people came to our house for Labor Day cookout! We laughed and prepared and were all geared up for some burgers, when my phone rang. I took it in my bedroom, eager to hear the news and was told my numbers dropped from 37 to 27. I asked what that meant. The nurse said I may have a biochemical pregnancy. What's that? The embryo is still inside me, but it can't survive because it isn't attached. Do I need to be worried? Come in and do another test on Wednesday. Okay. I ran outside to tell Joe, who was grilling with Jake. I think I said something like, "I may not be pregnant." I ran to the gazebo and called my Mom. She prayed with me. Momma T came out to me. I told her everything. She prayed with me. I came in, we prayed over the food and everyone started eating. I was holding it together. But two bites into my hotdog, my Dad called. I took the phone into the bathroom, sat on the floor, and fell apart. Joe came in and sat with me. I called Amy and broke the news to her. She cried with me (while sitting in Disney World). For the next several hours Joe and I laid on our bed, crying and thinking (maybe too much thinking.) We called and talked to the nurse again. She said it wasn't normal, but my levels were very low to start with. (Would have been nice to know that 2 days earlier...)So Momma T got our house cleaned up and all our guests left after being abandoned by their sad sack hosts. That night we decided we couldn't face work the next day, so we made arrangements for that. We stayed up late eating frosties and fries and watching funny movies.
Tuesday
I slept in and spent the morning on the couch with Joe in my pjs. At noon we went out for pizza and went to the movies. The sweet ladies of Hannah Group (our infertility support group) offered to have a special prayer time for Joe and I. So Tuesday night we went and were prayed for for over an hour by the wonderful women there. It really made us feel better. Loved. A lady I met that night asked me what God had been saying to me in the past 2 days. At the time I didn't know what to say. We told her about how we've learned to trust the plan, even though we don't know what the plan is and how we've been remarkably at peace through out the past few weeks. But then it occurred to me that something did pop into my mind on Monday afternoon. It sounds so strange, but it was the song "Sing and Be Happy." How can I do that right now? But it really spoke to me. Oft we fail to see the rainbow up in Heaven's fair skies. When it seems the fortunes of Earth frown and pass us by...if we hope and trust him each day, we shall have pleasures untold. Sing and you'll be happy TODAY. Press along to the goal. Trust in Him who leadeth the way. He is keeping your soul. Let the world know where you belong. look to Jesus and Pray. Lift your voice and praise him in song. Sing and be happy TODAY. Cool.
Wednesday
We both went back to work, knowing in our hearts the news would be bad. Joe and I texted all day about how we were worried, but feeling okay about things. At 2:30 I called the doctor's office (after my last class) and heard my numbers were at 29, and now classified a biochemical pregnancy. Stop my meds. Come back on Monday to make sure my levels are back at zero. So what now? I can meet my doctor next Thursday (the 11th) and start as soon as I get my next period on a frozen transfer! WAHOO!!! I called Joe, Mom and Dad, and Amy to tell them the news. While we are so sad that we were no longer pregnant, we get to do it again! We have money for it! We have embryos for it! So after no tears, I came home to my Joey and we decided to celebrate the fact that we were pregnant for 4 whole days. Celebrate that we came so close. Celebrate that we have a future with babies in it that is just around the corner! We bought eachother presents at Target, and went for Margaritas and Guacamole Live at On the Border. We laughed and smiled and fell farther in love with eachother and the journey we are travelling together. We sang and were happy TODAY.
So we're good. We're ready to try again. We are blessed in so many ways and we know that God will not let us linger here for long. He is a faithful God and wants us to have a hope and future. And we know that THAT is in the plan!
----------------------------------------
Blog I wrote on Sunday about Saturday...
Friday night I was so nervous. I cried with Joe. I cried with my Dad on the phone and I fought crying when Tanya came over. What if??? That question was bearing down and I knew all I could do was wait and pray.
As you remember, we were supposed to go to Orlando with our best friends, Amy and Brian this week. They were leaving, as originally planned, Saturday morning. And we were on tap to take them to the airport. You may also remember, that Amy is also struggling with infertility and has walked through every step right along side me. When they arrived at our house Saturday morning, they stood in front of Joe and I with shocking news. "Well....we're pregnant!" Joe and I had absolutely no response. We just stared at them, standing there smiling, beaming with happiness. WHAT!?!?! How did this happen?? We took them to the airport and Amy and I chatted in the backseat. She told me she had taken 2 pregnancy tests and they both had faint second lines. Her doctor told her that she's never seen a false positive, so she must be expecting! Suddenly I felt a wave of excitement. Unbeknonst to anyone, I had also taken 2 tests. One Thursday and one Friday, against Joe's better judgement. They also had faint second lines. I confided in Amy that I had taken one too and she was more certain than ever that I too was pregnant.
We dropped the Tindells off and Joe told me how nervous he was feeling. That the news that our friends were expecting was multiplying the pressure for us now. True. I told him I had taken a test and it was positive, to which he said, "and you still freaked out? why didn't that make you feel better?" I have no idea.
We went and had blood drawn at 8:45 am. Meredith told us she would keep her eye on the lab and call us as fast a possible with the verdict. I asked her how long that would be (hopefully not until the afternoon!!!) She said 35min-an hour. Okay. We left and grabbed breakfast and came home to nervously wait. After about 2 hours, my parents started to call to make sure things were okay and we were getting restless. Finally we put in THE SWORD IN THE STONE and started a game of Battleship. Tommie called and Joe was barely beginning to speak to her when the phone rang. It had been over 3 hours, just after 12:00. I answered and Meredith told me not to kill her, that it had taken so long. But that I could breathe easy because I'm pregnant. "Yay!!!" was my response. I nodded at Joe, still on the phone with his mom, and tears started streaming down his sweet face. Of course that triggered mine and we sat and hugged as I talked more with Meredith and made my next appointment.
As soon as I hung up we hugged and cried and laughed. Seconds later the phone rang. Amy. "What's the news? How come I haven't heard from you? We just landed and I don't have message. Is it yes or no?" "We just got off the phone 30 seconds ago." "Is it a yes?" "Yes. We're pregnant!!" More crying from both ends of the phone. We got off the phone quickly so I could start calling family and Joe and spent the next several hours calling, texting, emailing and blogging the news. Every once in a while we had to take a break to hug and cry again with eachother. Joe had been saving a song to play for me that Babyface wrote for his wife when she was pregnant. He played it and fought through the tears trying to sing it to me as we danced and cried in the living room.
As miserable as I have been in the past 8 months, I find it incredible how in one swoop, I am magically happy again. I have been hugged and hugged and cried with over and over in the past 36 hours and LOVE that my excitement is being shared by so many. Thank you for following my story so far. I am loving sharing it with you all. And have no fear, there is much more to come. One chapter is closing, but a much more exciting one is beginning. Praise God for that!

Houston, we have a problem

2008-09-03T14:02:00.001-07:00

We lost the baby today. My levels were apparently too low to begin with and have dropped since Saturday. It was a bio-chemical pregnancy, meaning the embryos was never fully attached to me. We are very, VERY sad, but taking it well for the time being. We were getting prepared for the bad news since Monday. We can start round two pretty immediately and it will be much easier than round one. We have 4 embryos waiting for their chance. I will let you know what the plan is from here after we meet with the doctor next Thursday. I told you the other day that a new adventure was starting now. Not the one I anticipated, but still a new one. Keep praying for us. We are getting on the roller coaster all over again.

Baby's first picture

2008-09-01T06:26:00.000-07:00

Thought you might want to see the first pictures we have. Now, most of you mommys won't have this early of a picture since you didn't know you were pregnant when they looked like this! So I have one up on you! The pre-ultrasound pic! These are the 2 embryos they put in me. One of these is our baby! Or maybe both of these are our babies?!?!? We shall see!!!

and the survey says.....

2008-08-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a

I'm due in early May (not april 25 like in the poster). No idea when we will know if there is more than one. More news to come when we know that!

PRAISE GOD I'M A MOMMY!!!!!!!

big day tomorrow!

2008-08-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

I am SO NERVOUS!!!! Joe says I tend to wait til the last minute to freak out about things. Well, this would be it, I guess. At 9 tomorrow we will find out if there is a baby in my belly. I have been so positive through the process, but now I am letting fear creep in. I'm trying really hard not to, but it's scary to think what may come out of the doctor's mouth!?!?! Pray for us tonight AND tomorrow and please think of us at 9am. We will be waiting to get results after my test, but I'm hoping we will be able to just wait there at the office and get the news fast. Look for a post from me tomorrow either way.
Deep breaths...deep breaths...

quick!!

2008-08-27T14:06:00.001-07:00

MY PANTS FIT TODAY!!!! HOORAY!!!! I put on some pants and they actually button and STAY buttoned! After 11 days of being a ballooned whale, I am getting close to my actual size again! Hooray!!!!Hopefully I will being getting small, just to balloon back up with babies!

Amy posted a funny pic on her blog of me I wanted to post here. This is me on Friday getting my IV after being dehydrated. I had blood taken twice (thus the elbow pads) and the first nurse couldn't get into my vein on my left hand, so we did the right one also. Thus I have 6 holes in me and patches on all elbows and hands. Whew!

You can see my big tummy (tho I hid it well by this time and my pregnant pal Mel in the other chair. God bless you Amy, Tanya and Melanie! What would I do without my girls!?!?

4 more days!!!

2008-08-26T14:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday at 9am I will be in the doctor's office for my blood test! I'm getting really anxious to know!!! How am I going to feel when they tell me? If it's "No" am I going to be crushed? If, I mean WHEN, it's "YES", am I going to cry? Be surprised? Start laughing? I have no idea!?!?
I've been back to school for 2 days now and have done pretty well. Yes, I am still very tired. Yes, I have to pee ALL THE TIME (thanks Gatorade!). But my nausea has gotten much more under control and my husband was actually able to touch me without me wincing last night! Poor Joe hasn't been able to touch me at all, except for rubbing my aching back for quite a while now. And with my big ol' swollen belly, he can't even lay close to me without inciting pain. I'm finally starting to lose some of that fluid now and it's making me much more comfortable. Although, hardly any of my clothes fit. Every night I have to try on multiple outfits in attempt to find something that doesn't make me appear pregnant. (Not an easy feat.) None of my pants button and even my stretchy clothes just accentuate the big tumtum. Hopefully on Saturday it won't matter a lick anymore because being pregnant will be my excuse! Hooray!!!

Day56

2008-08-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

Man, yesterday was a doozy. Amy, Mel and Tanya drew the short stick and ended up with me at the doctor for about 3 hours. After throwing up the nothing I had eaten in the past few days and feeling like Violet when she turns into a blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I finally called the doctor. They had me come in to see what they could do to help my nausea and bloat pains. They did another sonogram and said my ovaries are still pretty huge. I actually could see them on the screen all squished together. The took some blood and found that I am severely dehydrated. So, I was then put on an IV for about an hour and a half. (fun times, eh girls?!?!) After that, they took blood again and gave me 2 perscriptions: one for nausea and one that's a mix of tylenol and codine to help me sleep. By the time I left the office, I had 6 new needle holes in me and 3 friends who had spent their whole afternoon sitting in the preop room with me. We came home and I threw up again. Joe went and got my meds and I just laid down to wallow in my misery. But after I took my medicine I felt SO GOOD! I actually ate last night for the first time really in about 4 days and drank a 32oz gatorade in under 45 minutes! Go Rachel! At 9 I was getting tired(a side effect of my nausea meds), so I took my tylenol/codine and went to bed. CRASH! I slept a solid 11 hours before I woke up. Awesome! I feel good this morning and am trying to eat a little more than yesterday so I can get my strength back. Dr. Nackley called to check on me and I told her I was feeling much much much better! Then shortly after that, the embryologist called and said we have 4 embryos to freeze! Hooray!!! 4/5 ain't bad!!! So we have at least enough to do 2 more rounds should we want to. Things are good. Keep praying that I will feel better since I am starting school on Monday especially, and we will have news a week from today on if there's a baby or babies!

Day54

2008-08-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Implanting went well. We had 2 very high quality embryos and the doctor said she is VERY optimistic. Things look very good! On the down side, I have been pretty sick and tired this week. Last night I threw up and didn't sleep much. I haven't been eating much since I am SO bloated and naseaus. I think I am on the mend, but I need a few more days of rest to be up and around. Pray that I feel better soon and get my appetite back!
Countdown to pregnancy test: 9 days!

Day52

2008-08-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

Good news...GOOD NEWS!!!! We waited all day to hear from the lab, and no phone calls were a'comin'! So at 3pm I was getting ancy and looked at my paperwork where it stated the embryos are ASSESSED on day three (today), but nothing about being notified. However, there WAS a note about calling the lab direct for updates. So that's what I did. They knew who I was when I called, without identifying myself. (how crazy cool is that?!?) The lab tech said that on day three they like the embryos to have at least 6 cells. One of our embryos has 5 cells (a little subpar), but the other nine have EIGHT CELLS!!!! That's so exciting!!! The lab tech said that something catostrophic would have to happen to not have SEVERAL excellent embryos on Thursday! Every day the news is better and better!!!

Side note: Meredith said nothing but gatorade until Thursday. I am about to DIE! I hate gatorade!!!! Is there any flavor that doesn't taste like funky koolaid? Any suggestions on other drinks with electrolytes?

This is my worst nightmare!!!! Yeck!

Pictures from "Conception Day"

2008-08-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

Meredith the elusive IVF coordinator who had no name for so long. LOVE her!

Not Dr. Nackley. Not Dr. Doody. In fact, can't remember her name, but this is who did my egg retrieval.

Joe kissing me before I go into surgery.

Me with my IV in and waiting for the go ahead to go to the OR.Boy, was I groggy! I was shaking and tired and bleary eyed. And that was my last beverage that is non-gatorade for the week. Meredith says only gatorade until Thursday.

Day50

2008-08-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

Wow...fifty days since I started my birth control pills? Crazy!
We got the call today that 13 of the 14 eggs were injected with little swimmers. 10 fertilized! TEN!!!! I was expecting maybe 7. MAYBE!?!?! This is huge news! Several will not grow well, but we should have about half at embryo transfer. This means that we will have more than enough and probably a couple of good ones left to freeze (which is a rarity in and of itself.) God is continually blessing us with more than we have asked, which is scary since we've asked for twins also. :) Continue to pray for us and our little embryos that they grow and those cells multiply perfectly. My appt. is at 11:15 on Thursday for embryo transfer, so I should be home by 1 or 2pm if you want to come say hello! I'm back to work the next 2 days, which will hopefully make this week go faster. Can't wait to see what news is next!

day49

2008-08-16T12:43:00.001-07:00

This morning I went in for my egg retrieval at 8am. Mom, Momma T, Amy and Joe were with me and we were laughing it up in the waiting room...making quite a ruckus!

Again, we were taking pictures and making the nurses laugh. Momma T took several pics with my doctor and nurses, so I'll post those when I get them from her.

This morning when I was getting ready to leave the house, Joe was looking at my tummy and said," you look like you're already pregnant!" My abdomen was SO SWOLLEN! It looked like I was about 4 months! Later on today my nurse, Meredith, said that my ovaries were each the size of a grapefruit! (Normally they are almond sized.) She said they were so big they were smooshing into eachother. No wonder I have to pee all the time!

All 4 of my guests were able to be in pre-op with me, meet my anesthesiologist, doctor and nurse. It was wierd to be knocked out. I've never had an IV or anything but local anesthsia, so when my head started spinning, it was kinda strange. I fell asleep very easily and woke up in the recovery room. Joe said the procedure took about an hour and I was in recovery for 45 minutes or so.

They found 14 eggs and miraculously found even more sperm from Joe again today! The embryologist said they have enough to fertilize EVERY egg!!! I am so excited! They said I had very mature eggs and they will call me tomorrow with the news of how many embryos we have. Then I will hear again Tuesday how they are progressing, and have them transferred Thursday probably. Things look VERY promising and we are 100% confident that God has chosen this time to bless us with a baby, or maybe babies!!!

Last night I was thinking about how God has orchestrated this time for us. If Joe hadn't been told he needed TESE, we wouldve started this in April. If he hadn't melted down from that, we would have started in June. If we hadn't had to see a specialist to perform TESE, we wouldve started in July. But God knew we wouldn't need TESE, just that it was the means he could use to place us in his time. Awesome. It's gonna happen, yall! We're gonna have a baby!!!

Keep praying for us!

Day48

2008-08-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

JOE DIDN'T HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY!!!! They found good, motile sperm in his sample this morning and cancelled the TESE! Hooray!!!! Tomorrow they will have him give again and see if we can get even more. I cannot tell you what a relief this is and how big I have been smiling for the past 2 hours! This was the hard part, the part that could go wrong, and we are totally convinced that God has planned this all out, let us go thru all the diappointments to lead us to these last few weeks where absolutely EVERYTHING has gone perfectly. My 30% chance just jumped to 75%. Yay!!!!!
***Long story...
They took me back at 7:15 to draw blood to test my hcg level (needs to be over 60, mine was 250). When I got back to the waiting room, mom was alone! Where is Joe? They took him to his room to do his....stuff. Well, he was gone for like 30 minutes. No sign of him. The girl doing pre-op is looking for him. No idea where he is. Did he run away? No. They took him to change and get prepped while they analyzed the sperm he gave. (so if they didn't find what we need, we'd go ahead with surgery.) The nurse came to get me shortly after Joe's mom arrived and took me back to the pre-op room. At this point I am thinking, "oh crap. it didn't work and we're headed into surgery." Joe's mom sent her camera back with a nurse to take our picture. She thought that was so funny. "I have never had a patient bring a camera into pre-op!" Joe is in his gown and cap, little blanket on his legs. He's just sitting there waiting. They checked his vitals and gave him some antinausea medicine and told us we were waiting on the lab tech to give us the verdict. She came in, said they found good, motile sperm and we were waiting on the surgeon to arrive and officially cancel. While we waited, Joe was cracking jokes and making all the nurses laugh. We signed our forms and sat. A few minutes later the lab tech came back and said, "we're cancelled!" We spoke with my doctor and asked lots of questions, but basically, we will use what he gave today to fertilize the eggs they take from me tomorrow. The leftover eggs can be frozen and used at a later date to make more baby Varneys. We walked into the waiting room to find our moms with the news we were headed home! GREAT DAY from a GREAT GOD!!!

Day 47 (day 24)

2008-08-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Well, we are a go for tomorrow! My last shot is tonight at 9pm (less than an hour from now!!!) Tomorrow at 8, stop and say a prayer for Joe. They are going to let him give a sperm sample in the morning and we are hoping that it contains what we need. If so, NO SURGERY! Pray hard for that! What a blessing that would be!!! My egg retreival will be Saturday at 9am and they are expecting me to get LOTS of eggs. My doctor measured 15 today and said there were plenty more besides. I will let you know what happens tomorrow!

Day47 (day 23)

2008-08-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well, we are delayed AGAIN. Only by a day, but still...adds on to the waiting. Joe's procedure will be Friday at 6:30am, so stop and say a prayer for us when you wake up! (and remember...we're going for GOLD!) My egg retreival will now be on Saturday morning. I spoke to my doctor and Joe's doctor in person this morning and we are confirmed with both (unless something is screwy with my bloodwork today). I will keep you all posted!

day46 (day 22)

2008-08-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Today I went back to the doctor for E2 blood test and sonogram #6. Whew! On the way to the office I was wondering why they wanted me back today instead of tomorrow like they had originally said. Is it a good thing? Or a bad thing? Remembering that Joe and I agreed that there will be no negative thoughts from here on out, I decided it was good. I got to the doctor's office 30 minutes early and went straight in to get blood drawn. They took me to my room, told me to get ready for my sonogram, all the same stuff I've heard every other day for the past 10 days. Got ready. Got on the table and waited. and waited. and waited. Finally about 20 minutes later a nurse came in and told me Dr. Nackley wanted to do the sono herself, so we were waiting on her to get out of surgery. Uh oh. Why does the doctor want to do my sono? Nurses are always the ones who do them. Something must be wrong. Throughout my 30 minutes of alone time in that room, music kept popping up in my head.

First up...I Need Thee Every Hour, most gracious Lord; no tender voice like thine can peace afford. I need thee, O I need thee; every hour I need thee; O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

Next...I've got confindence, my Lord is gonna see me through. No matter what the case may be. My Lord is gonna fix it for me.

I prayed and sang in my head over and over "no matter what the case may be, please Lord, fix it for me!" Then all of a sudden actual music came on in the room. I've only heard the radio in one of the exam rooms once and that was yesterday. Well, it just popped on all of a sudden, midway through a song in my own head. "Your body Is a wonderland Your body is a wonder..." Really, John Mayer? My body doesn't feel like a wonder right now?!!? But then I started thinking about how despite the fact our bodies aren't working the way WE want them to, they are working exactly as God planned. And during this strange moment I stopped again to thank God for making me and Joe in his image and shaping us exactly as he did. And I asked him, begged him really, to allow our plan and the doctor's plan to be the same as his.

Then another song..."I’ve been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something

I could believe in

And looking for that

Magic rainbow

On the horizon I couldn’t see it

Until I let go

Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn

Now I’m coming alive

Body and soul

And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished

Into the air

Left me in pieces

But now I’m rising from the ashes

Finding my wings

And all that I needed

Was there all along

Within my reach

As close as the beat of my heart and

I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever

Ready to run I’m keeping my feet on the ground

Arms open wide

Face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time,

This is the time to be

More than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

Time of my life "

Is this the time of my life, David Cook? I know you are singing about winning American Idol, but this IS a key time in my life. One of the biggest moments in my life. I thanked God again for giving me a moment to be right there in the present and right there in his presence for it. I AM "waiting for my dreams to turn into something I could believe in And looking for that Magic rainbow on the horizon I couldn’t see it unitl I let go." Amazing.

The door opened and Dr. Nackley came in. Right off she said, "Rachel, your body sure does know how to respond to medicine!" What??? Is that good? She showed me my chart and said I am progressing perfectly. Everything couldn't go any better than it is. She measured my follicles (one egg per follicle, mind you) and I have about 16 or 17 large ones measuring 13-17mm. She said they need those last couple to get over 14mm and I'll be ready. So they are calling in Joe's doctor for his procedure Thursday and my egg retreival will be Friday. I go in tomorrow for one last E2 and sono before the big day! My E2 levels have jumped again (to 6773) since yesterday, so I am only taking one tiny shot tonight and will be in the home stretch. Look how many I've gone through!I am so thankful that God has made this so easy the past few weeks and even more thankful to have a husband willing to go through so much to have a baby with me.

Now on a comic note...when I texted Tanya with the news today, we had a funny little conversation. Here's our back and forth:

R:Doc says I could not be doing more perfect on my meds. Egg retrieval friday.
T:Yay! I was thinking that Joe needs to watch the swimming olympics to get motivation for the Varney Olympics.

R:That's going on the blog!

T:Go for the Gold! ha ha!

So we are going for the Gold. Hope Joe has some little Michael Phelps in there!

3 posts in one day?

2008-08-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I know. Doesn't Rachel have anything better to do? NOPE! My new camera just got here and I am playing with it. SO excited that I can show you what I've been working on now! Here are a few snaps of my furniture so far....

update

2008-08-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

Dr's office called. My E2s are over 3700 so they want me back tomorrow and have halved my Menopur dose tonight and nixed the Follistim. Guess that means I may be ready sooner than Friday! Pray that they give me the go ahead tomorrow!

day 45 (day20)

2008-08-11T06:32:00.000-07:00

Doctor appt at 7:30am again! This morning they told me several good things.
1. My blood circulation is "excellent" it my uterus. Apparently about half of women doing IVF don't have blood flow register on their sono. Mine was bright blue and red all over and the nurse said that was "excellent and very important for implanting."
2. My uteran lining is very thick. The nurse said they look for a thickness around 8 and mine was almost 11. She said that is really good because the thickness is what makes the eggs attach. The thicker, the stickier and more likely to grab onto that egg.
3. My follicles are growing steadily. On Saturday I had some around 10, if you will recall. Today I had several more and most were around 13 or 14. In fact, the nurse said I have probably 15-20 on each ovary. Which means LOTS of eggs are heading my way! She said my dosage of follistim and menopur is pretty low so I don't hyperovulate and make way to many eggs. So...best guess is that egg retreival will be on Friday, August 15th and implanting on Wednesday, August 20th. So for those of you planning to come see me on bedrest, I'll be laid out on Friday the 15th and Wednesday-Saturday the 20th-23rd. Anyone who wants to come sit with me and Mom and watch movies, feel free to stop by!
I will let you guys know when I have a confirmed date so you can pray for us at the moment we are undergoing procedures. There is a possibility it'll be bumped one more day, but hopefully we will be a go for Friday! Keep praying!

day 43 (day18)

2008-08-09T20:09:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update...
Went to the doctor again today. On Thursday the E2 level was at 437 and I had no follicles that were big enough to measure yet. BUT...they said my E2 level was "very exciting" and looked promising. So much so that they backed off my dosage a little bit of follitism. (hooray!!!) Today I had several follicles big enough to measure, although the nurse thought none were even at 10 yet. But she was wrong! :) I had 3 that were over 10 already, one that was just shy of 10 and then another in 7 somewhere. Now, we gotta get to 18 before egg retrieval, so she said it may be past Monday before we are ready to trigger. She said her guess is I'll need another day or two. THEN...I heard back about my E2 levels and it is at 1476!!!! That's more than 3 times what it was two days ago! That gives me hope that I may be ready for a trigger shot on Monday after all! So pray hard for us that my follicles are building up hard these next 2 days and that Monday we will be ready to roll! If that is the case, Joe will have his procedure on Tuesday and I will have egg retrieval Wednesday. If I need another day or two...so be it. But we should have some little Varney embryos by Friday. Exciting!

Smile Award

2008-08-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

The Smile Award
Ashley gave me this smile award today and I want to thank her for it here. Ashley and I don't know eachother well...or really at all, except by word of mouth. I've spoken to her only a handful of times and only a few words on those rare times. Ashley grew up with Joe and we have many mutual friends as well as a mutual affliction...inability to concieve naturally. She is already enjoying the fruits of her labor...2 cutie pie little boys. I am hoping to join her in multiples motherhood soon. So thanks Ash, for the shout out for smiling!

My duty now is to grant this award to 5 blogger friends...

These are the rules:

1. The recipient must link back to the awards creator the babblings of mere

2. You must post these rules if you receive the award.

3. You must chose 5 people to receive the award after receiving it yourself

4. You must fit the characteristics of the recipient of the award, as posted by Mere.

5. You must post the characteristics of a recipient.

6. You must create a post sharing your win with others.

7. You must thank your giver.

Characteristics for the Smile Award:

1. Must display a cheerful attitude. (not necessarily at all times--we are all human)

2. Must love one another

3. Must make mistakes

4. Must learn from others

5. Must be a positive contributor to blog world

6. Must love life

7. Must love kids

And here are my 5!!!

1. Taylor (http://tstapes.blogspot.com): Taylor is the most inspiring person I have come across in infertility. She has had such a struggle to concieve and then lost her sweet boy earlier this summer to Trisomy13. She is so godly and has the sweetest, kindest heart. She has smiled through the tears for months now and has caused many of us to smile through our tears for her as well. Carry on, Taylor! Your day is coming!

2. Tanya (http://thewilsons06.blogspot.com): Tanya said something about me smiling in her first post. It made me laugh immediately! Tanya has been my backup BFF for over a year now and she has really come through this summer. Although she was gone for 6 weeks to Japan, she has been here for me so much since she came back. Her artistic ability is reason enough to smile, but her perserverance through some VERY hard family stuff and her willingness to come when I call is what makes her deserve a smile award. Smile on, Nikitenko!

3. Becky (http://forever25-becky.blogspot.com): Becky and I were instant friends several years ago. We backpacked Europe together for a month and made memories that will last my whole life. Since then, we've both bought homes, taught hundreds of children, and found our sweet husbands. Becky is also trying to have a baby right now and is smiling about so much...great husband and home, so many wonderful travels and experiences behind and ahead of her. I love hearing what she has going on!

4. Summer (http://best-family.blogspot.com): Summer and I were friends in college and she is the mother of 4 boys. Yeah...4!!! She had her first when we were seniors. Summer is one of those amazing people who can do anything and everything. She is an amazing teacher, has the sweetest voice and spirit and LOVES those kiddos. The few times I've been able to see her since graduation..she is always smiling and happy and I know she is thankful everyday for what God has given her.

5. Carrie (http://thetungates.blogspot.com): Carrie is my best friend from high school. She also went through infertility and now has 3 little angels now. She is one of those friends that I will always have in my life. It doesn't matter how long we've been apart, we always reconnect and I always want to see her when I'm home. Right now she is a stay at home mom and sacrifices so much to take care of her kiddos. I know she's tired and busy, especially with little Branson, but she is so thankful for those kids. Keep smiling, Steve!

Day 41( Day 16)

2008-08-07T08:56:00.000-07:00

Well...it's confirmed. I have STREP THROAT! Again!?!?!?! As some of you will recall, I caught strep at the end of school last semester and was really sick when I went to visit Jeremy, Brent and Jamie. Luckily, I caught this one really early and had an IVF appointment this morning anyways. I asked if it was going to really screw everything up if I had Strep. She said it's no big deal and won't interfere with my shots at all. Just have to tell the clinic doc that I am trying to get pregnant and make sure my prescription is okay for pregnancy. So I went to CVS Minute Clinic (thanks for the suggestion, Summer!) and got my throat culture and medicine for $55! Not bad at all! In fact, probably my cheapest bout with Strep to date! I don't feel bad yet, so hopefully I will nip this in the bud before egg retreival. Speaking of...my follicles are growing and my blood circulation is really good in my uterus. (yay me?) The follicles aren't big enough to measure yet and she said not to be upset if I'm not ready Monday for my trigger shot yet. It's normal to be on the 3 shot rounds for 10-12 days, most people do 11 or 12. I'm hoping for 10 so I'll be done AND I don't have to order more expensive medicines. So...that's all I got right now. Oh! Yesterday I had 3 super helpers come and get my classroom set up! Thanks to Tracy Spear, Tanya and Momma T for helping me check one more thing off the list before school starts. I'm so glad to not have that to worry about!

day 39 (day 14)

2008-08-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

Things are falling into place now. I've told several of you in recent days how good and positive I feel about the process now. When I look back at the past few months, there have been SO many times that things were wrong. The power went out at the clinic on our appointment day, went to get my HSG and they told me I couldn't, delays...delays...delays, where do we find all this money, "you have only a 30% chance with invitro." It goes on and on. In fact, at one point I told Amy I wasn't sure we were supposed to do this. I felt like God was telling us NO NO NO NO NO over and over and we were just pushing through.
But now I feel completely different. Is it the time I chose? No. But as I've been told time and again, it's God's timing, not Rachel's. In the past weeks since I started my medicine, things have lined up so perfectly. Every bit of money has found it's way to us. In May we found out our mortgage payments were dropping by a few hundred dollars a month, which has allowed us to pay on our loan with no change to our monthly budget. (Couldn't see that coming if we had started in April, as we originally were.) We get bills from urology and specialists here and there that are always upwards of $1000. EVERY TIME we have recieved the same amount of money back from somewhere else...a bonus at work, a reimbursment for overpaying property taxes 2 years ago, etc. It's happened at least 4 times since January, including one last week. You can't tell me that's not God! The timeline is not what I wanted, but actually couldn't be more perfect. I'm not going to have to miss any of the start of school (just inservice), and my due date will be late enough to take the last 6 weeks of school off (even if I have multiples and am due a little earlier). Add that in with having a Christian doctor working with us, and the ease of my injections, and literally no problems in my 2 weeks of shots...I just can't believe it's all coincidence! How can things have changed so drastically from everything wrong and "are you telling us No?" to everything is right and "how did you do all this so perfectly?"
Is there a chance we will not be pregnant in 3 weeks? Yes. But I don't believe that will be the case. While I am trying to keep in my mind that it IS a possibility, I am fully anticipating the big news that there is a life growing inside me that's a little bit Joe and a little bit Rachel. So for right now, life is great!

Day36 (Day11)

2008-08-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Everything yesterday was good with my Estradiol Level Blood Test. (I scored 36.7!!! Anyone know what that means? Me either...) Apparently it's good. So I started my new shots today and they were actually much easier than I anticipated. My Menopur was VERY slow going in, but nothing hurt, and it didn't take me as long as I thought it might. Got all three mixed or put together and injected in 7 minutes. Not bad for my first time!

In other news...I love my husband. I really haven't said a lot about my boy in this process. At least not for a while, but he is the greatest man and has been my rock in all this. Every night he kisses where I inject my medicine and every night he prays for our future and the baby he KNOWS is coming. Today we were working at the Wilson's all day and every small glance I shared with Joe just lit up my heart. If it's possible, I love him more now than I ever have. I love how he winks at me across crowded rooms. I love how he's more than willing to give silly grins and waves to me despite being in a room full of his buddies. And I love how he always is ready to give me a kiss, a hug and tell me he loves me. I love how he loves me. When we were driving home tonight, I looked over at him and thought...no matter what happens at the end of this month, everything will be okay, because I have this wonderful man to share my life with. There's no one else I can imagine going through all the ups and downs with. I would marry him again in a heartbeat. Thank you God, for giving me someone so wonderful to share my life with!

Day 35 (Day10)

2008-08-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

I had my second appointment this morning at 7:30am. WHEW! That's early after two months of sleeping late! They took some blood and did another internal sonogram. The nurse said everything looks normal and my ovaries are sufficiently suppressed. Then I learned how to do my next two shots. These are a bit more complicated than my Lupron. With Lupron I just fill up my vile and stick it in.

Menopur, I have to mix up the medicine and put together my syringe.
It's a few more steps than what I've been doing, but nothing I can't handle, right?

With Follitism, I have to fit everything togther inside a "pen."

So...I am 10 days down and 10 to go. I can't believe I'm already halfway through my injections! The doc's office will call today to let me know if I can indeed go forward tomorrow with my new shots. (They have to make sure my hormones are all good from the blood they took). If so, I will have 3 shots tomorrow, and only 2 on Sunday and Monday. Got lots to keep track of!

Day32(Day7)

2008-07-29T20:05:00.000-07:00

A whole week down of shots. Wow. Time flies, eh? Hopefully, my eggs will be taken out 2 weeks from tomorrow and my babies will be created! Exciting stuff!
Tonight I went to my support group, which I'm sad to say I have not gone to the last few weeks. Tonight was very special for me. You never know when something will be said to soften your heart and that was what happened to me tonight. Carol (one of the facilitators) was talking about Tony Snow, former White House Press Secretary and FOX news anchor, who died recently of cancer. He was a faithful Catholic and we read some words he had recently spoken about his illness and, as in many other circumstances, it spoke to us as infertile women too. Here was the section I was given to read in group:
"When our faith flags, God throws reminders in our way. Think of the prayer warriors in our midst. They change things and those of us who have been on the recieving end of their petitions and intercessions know it. It is hard to describe, but there are times when suddenly the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and you feel a surge of the Spirit. Somehow you just know. Others have chosen, when talking to the Author of all creation, to lift us up- to speak to Him of us!"
That puts into words exactly how I feel about all of you who have spent hours praying for us already, and continue to daily. I have a friend who sends me texts and emails when she thinks of me and stops to pray for us. It always comes right when I need it too. God is amazing in how he works. But 2 other things grabbed me tonight during group. One thing I have thought on since I left and even spoke with Joe about. Carol has said before that she believes we didn't get pregnant in earlier years because we were needed by a child in our class. (all 3 of us in the group are in education fields). I've heard her say this before, but for some reason, something clicked tonight. For the past couple of years, Amy and I have been pulling a lot of weight in children's ministry at church. If at any time I'd gotten pregnant, I'd have stopped what I was involved in, maybe even have left our congregation. But now that we have a children's minister, it's like a weight has been lifted and everything is lining up to get our family. Maybe my pregnancy timing wasn't about my school children, but the children at my church who I was serving. That makes me smile. AND it makes me optimistic that God is laying out this plan and timeline for me.
The final thing that blessed me tonight was a prayer said over me by another woman in our group. She laid hands on me and prayed a prayer so sweet it actually brought tears to my eyes. She prayed for the eggs I am growing right now and that they are perfect, right down to the DNA. She prayed for Joe's sperm and that they are strong, healthy and high in number. And that they too are perfect right down to the DNA. She prayed for my uterus and that it is being prepared to be a safe place for my babies to grow. She asked God to go before us in every step, to have things prepared and perfect in advance. And she prayed that a verse in Psalms will be fulfilled for me. That I will be like a fruitful grapevine, flourishing within our home. And that my children will be like vigorous young olive trees as they sit around our table.
Her heart was so earnest and sincere. And as a woman who barely knows me cried over a prayer she was offering for my chance at pregnancy, I felt that moment Tony Snow spoke of. Where the hairs stick up on your neck because someone, other than you, wants something so deeply for you, that they are begging the Creator to create something for your life. It's making me teary right now just typing this. We serve a great God and as this chapter unfolds, it's scary and filled with anxiety, but it's exciting too. Exciting that the Author of my book is writing this chapter as I walk through it.